They put Kevin Hart on the kids cam 😂😂😂
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately
It means a lot to him
I put a “Honk if you think I’m sexy” bumper sticker on my car.
My self confidence is skyrocketing! A TON of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now….
By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.
" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen
Doctor: “Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live.”
Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?" Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!" Doc: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, okay." Doc: "Do you stay up late?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I shall." Doc: "Do you have sex often?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I’ll do that too." Doc: "Do you smoke?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I will." Doc: "Do you drink?" Man: "Yes…" Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?" Doc: "You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?
He had the right to bear arms.
My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am..
Luckily I was already up, playing drums.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently…
…by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy…
What is Jesus’s favorite workout?
Crossfit
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?
It was about a week back.
What do you call a dinosaur that explodes?
Well I don't know but the Dinomite
I got a job at a construction site to drill holes
Its a boring job
People have called me a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
Helen Keller was truly an inspiration,
She was able to learn how to read and write despite being from Alabama
What part of your body is the last to die?
Your eyes, cause they dilate
Why do prisoners make bad musicians?
Because they're always behind a few bars and can't find the key.
My Aunt who spends hours on Candy Crush on her Kindle thought this was hilarious.
https://ift.tt/2HaGbSP
What is round and angry?
A vicious circle.
Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?
Or do you have to spread them apart?
![[OC]True Story](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/tskwnb5z7u641-400x255.png)
A wife shows her husband a picture and says, “The camera adds 10 pounds”…
The husband, bewildered, says, "Why would you eat a camera!?"
Emojis, millennials, stick shift, and cursive? Check, check, check and check.
https://ift.tt/2wQ2VWA
What’s E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs
What do you call a pirate’s trash?
Yarrbage
Why did the marshmallow cross the road?
Because he knew there was S'more to life
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?
Arse skin for a friend.
I’m deathly afraid of elevators.
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
All Jews had their foreskins
[removed]
Common sense is like AIDS.
Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together…
Classic joke for our Muslim friends today
There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Fucking everywhere
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It’s not a very long poem, but it’s pretty deep.
