They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket..
They lied, everyone else had their clothes on
My credit card company sent me a camouflaged bull.
It’s the hidden charges you have to watch out for.
If you pour salt on a cat’s tail, it’ll fall off…
If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.
I scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked
I don’t know what scared him more, the fact that I was naked, or that I knew where he lived
A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain. After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”
After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…
I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!
Did you hear about the burglary at the detergent factory?
The thief made a clean getaway
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
I don’t get why people think pee is stored in the balls. It is a fact that pee is stored in the BLADDER.
There is a vas deferens between the two.
Did you know that the secret service can no longer yell “Get Down!” when the president is in danger?
Now they have to say, “Donald, Duck!”
What would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?
There would be mass confusion.
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic…..
I was in Daniel…
Successful Dad joke I just pulled off on wife. Full groan and everything
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes? Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes Wife: Who makes those rules? Me: The Dad Poet Society Wife: groan
NSFW Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding
When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration. “What’s a licence” she asks So the cop explains what a licence is. The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop. “I also need to registration” reminds the cop “What’s a registration” she asks So the cop explains what a registration is to her. “I have one of those” she says as she grabs it and hands it over. So the cop takes the licence and registration back to his car to write up the ticket. As he’s writing up the ticket he tells his partner how dumb this blonde is. His partner thinks a minute and says “when you take the ticket to her, give her everything then drop your pants to see what her reaction is.” So the cop finishes writing up the ticket and heads back to the blonde. He hands her her licence, registration and the ticket then drops his pants. The blonde looks confused for a second then her face falls, “oh no, not another breathalyzer test”
How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. Never split the party.
We have hit 20,000 members! Thank you all!
Firstly I’d like to thank each and every one of you who had joined this subreddit. This subreddit full of memes that I, myself, don’t even understand. 20000 people, that’s just… wow!It is an honour to serve this community and every single one of you members, new or old.Secondly I’d like to say how activity in this subreddit has been at an all time high, we are getting more posts than ever, of course that means more reposts, and posts that break other rules that our subreddit has, but on behalf of the moderation team, I’m here to assure you that we have you covered, we want to make sure you only get the highest quality posts when you look at r/sciencememes.I hope to see you again when we hit our next major milestone.If you ever need me, or any other of the moderation team feel free to use ModMail, if you see a post or comment breaking the rules, don’t be afraid to report them.🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
If a plant is sad.Do other plants photosympathise with it?
No they chlorofeel.
My wife’s dog died. Soto cheer her up I bought her another one just like it. …
She was furious. “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?” she said.
i was going to say a joke about a blunt spear
but i don't see the point
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all…
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
A man, a dog, and a cow were on a cruise when their ship sank.
The man, the dog, and the cow were the only survivors. They swam to a deserted island covered with a thick jungle. They started to explore the jungle. There was enough food in the jungle to feed the three of them, and the man could build a shelter out of the trees. "We can live here for years," said the man. After spending a few days on the island, the man realized that he was unlikely ever to see a woman again. "From now on," he thought, "I will have to do it with my cow." The man lowered his pants. He ran towards the cow. But the dog jumped onto the cow's back. He growled at the man. The man backed off. He put his pants back on. The dog jumped off the cow's back and walked away. Again, the man lowered his pants. Again, he ran towards the cow. Again, the dog jumped onto the cow's back. Again, he growled at the man. Again, the man backed off. Again, he put his pants back on. Again, the dog jumped off the cow's back and walked away. For the third time, the man lowered his pants. For the third time, he ran towards the cow. For the third time, the dog jumped onto the cow's back. For the third time, he growled at the man. For the third time, the man backed off. For the third time, he put his pants back on. For the third time, the dog jumped off the cow's back and walked away. The man was about to lower his pants a fourth time, when a huge, hairy monster jumped out from behind a bush. The beast looked like a cross between a lion and a gorilla that was the size of an elephant. He chased the man and his companions through the jungle. Finally, the monster had the man, the dog, and the cow cornered. The man closed his eyes and waited for the beast to kill him. Suddenly, he felt something grab him, and the next instant he was flying through the air. When the man opened his eyes, he was sitting safely in a tree with a woman who was holding a vine. He figured that the woman must have rescued him. The woman swung back down on the vine and rescued the dog and even the cow, and carried them into the tree. Then she jumped down from the tree and effortlessly killed the enormous monster. After the woman lowered the other three from the tree, the man took a good look at her. She was completely naked, and very beautiful. She also had some pretty impressive muscles, which somehow made her even more beautiful. The man was so stunned, all he could say was, "You…you saved our lives." "Were you on a cruise?" she asked. "Yes," said the man. "So was I," said the woman. "When I was five years old, I was on a cruise with my family. Then the ship sank, and I was the only one to survive. I swam to this island, and it wasn't long before I had my first narrow escape from one of those huge monsters. I had to make myself strong in order to survive here." "You are the first human I have seen in fifteen years, and I would be willing to do anything for you." The man looked at the beautiful, naked woman with a sly grin on his face. "Anything?" he asked. "Oh, yes!" said the woman. "In that case," said the man, "would you take my dog here for a walk?"
People tend to get shocked…
When they find out I'm a really bad electrician.
What do you call an undercover shoe?
A sneaker
Thank god Canada’s not the super power
or we’d all be sorry
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's full groan
My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber’s van parked in our drive
Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.
I’ve just found a cure for anorexia.
It was a piece of cake 🍰!!! 😂
Why does Dwayne Johnson sleep under a pile of magazines?
Because paper covers rock!
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
A bar walks into Albert Einstein.
Oops, wrong frame of reference.
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.