they say a watermelon is 99% water
but it's literally 50%
That was ……. Dark
Scientists confirmed West Virginia has zero cases of COVID-19
This was due to the fact that one family was immune to the strain.
I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”
I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me
I thought it was a nice jester
Yesterday I purchased a world map…gave my wife a dart and said to her “throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
Honestly, stay at home
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
It’s been a helluva year
It’s alright. We know that feel.
What the customers don’t know- won’t hurt them 🙄
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
windows make it again
no junior devs were harmed during the making of this meme
How many grams of creamer can I dissolve in a 60°c 330ml water?
the newest development in encryption technology:
TeeNs nEEd SleeP
My mom just sent this in the family group chat
The only correct way to increment
What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite Disney movie?
IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!!
It must be hard being this dumb
Why is their art style so weird
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's a coincidence
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
We can’t stop man!
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
Did you hear the one about the giant throwing up?
It’s all over town.
Why is your nose is the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
Thats a lot of damage
you underestimate my acceptable margin of error
The Forbidden Knowledge
Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?
They had a toot in common. Kid loved it and I’m proud of the original content
John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north…
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Keith. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "Well, she just died and left me everything."
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
Remains to be seen!
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well…?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
Laura Ingraham wants to talk to COVID-19’s manager.
Trying to get into BIOS…
My son is taking part in a social experiment.
He has to wear a support Trump. T.Shirt for 2 weeks. So far, he has been punched, spat at, kicked, and verbally abused. It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.
A flat earther posted this on Facebook
Happy Valentine’s day evryone
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
An advice was given to a depressed car
It was: you have no more energy to live, you just need to fuel more yourself.
This is old but it seems more accurate than ever.
The U.S. Justice System
There was a 6 fingered man that everyone kept calling Tommy. Why?
Because that's his name.
Client always screws it up
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
Drinking American beer is the same as having sex on a canoe.
It’s f*cking close to water.
Two Women Were Playing Golf…
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain." "Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright…I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”? The man looked up at her and replied, "That feels pretty good … but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
THE DEAR LEADER GAVE YET ANOTHER BRILLIANT PERFORMANCE ON THE WORLD STAGE!
Did you hear about the sour grape?
All he did was wine
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.
The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows." "Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown." "And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color." The prince says, "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed." "Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you," the Russian explains. "Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here." The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs. The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay. "Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters. "I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."
What has three legs and four arms?
My son's shit drawing of a snake.
Why are we running out of toilet paper?
Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.
The world may never know
Recursion well explained
A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.
“Who was that?” asks his wife. “Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”
“Meme the periodic table” starter pack
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
They become VERY ANGRY
We all know that guy
Give Trump a chance they said….
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China
He says he can't complain.
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion
As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.
Very Fine People