they say a watermelon is 99% water
but it's literally 50%
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
Step ladder
I dont get on with my step ladder Its not like my real ladder
A Retired Jewish Man Is Walking On The Beach, When He Sees A Bottle In The Sand.
He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie promises to grant him one wish. The man pulls a crumpled map from his pocket and shows it to the genie. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish." The genie studies the map, but looks looks concerned. He hands the map back and says, "I'm sorry, sir. I come from the Middle East myself, and these conflicts have been raging since even before my time. Bringing peace to that region is beyond my powers. Do you have another wish?" The guy thinks and says, "Well, I've been married for forty years, and in my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "Let me see that map again."
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
If I had a nickel every time I was confused
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says “I’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.” The bartender says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”
Admit it, you don’t even like my maths, you’re just using me for my theorems!
https://ift.tt/2TluzDs
Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated
I guess you could say the steaks were high
My wife is like a plunger.
She is very good in bringing up old shit.
Due to the quarantine
I’ll only be telling inside jokes
A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.
For support, rather than illumination.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice skating before it was cool
People who wear glasses must be excited for next year
It's the first time they'll see 2020
Some people have difficulties sleeping.
But I can do it with my eyes closed.
Little known fact-
Captain Hook bought his hook from a second hand store.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use lubricant
What does “kayak” sound like upside down?
"Blblblblblvllgllgl"
What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Decaffienated
I called my son a bloody disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears
Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?” She said, “yes or no.”
When you die which body part does last?
Your pupils, they Dilate
Kina want to tell the pediatrician I speak Old English just to see what happens…
https://ift.tt/2LZRzU4
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted
Got fired from my job at the coffee factory
Boss said it was because I had no filter
The man who has invented predictive text has died.
His funfair is next monkey. May he rust in piss.
I found a wallet…
I found a wallet and there was a fresh 100 dollar bill. I asked myself, what would have Jesus done? So I turned it into wine.
One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, “it’s going to rain”
His wife asked, "how do you know?“ "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"
Hey kids! I put that Waze app in charge of my music playlist.
It keeps telling me to take the Backstreet Boys!
Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
An old wealthy jew is dying and decides to dictate his will
He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else. The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom: "It's none of my business, of course… It's your money and your sons… But Yasha will drink away all your fortune in six months!!!" "Correct. But where would he drink it away if there is only one tavern in town?"
What do you call someone who cleans a vaccum cleaner?
A vaccum cleaner.
My bedroom light just went out.
I have no idea where it's going.
A lady had lost her husband almost two years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!" Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed and so did he. There she stood naked, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.