They say laughter is the best medicine but where do you get it?
The ha-spital.
So my brother’s girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!
So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.
My priest is a lawyer.
He's my father in law
What does Batman like in his drink?
Just ice.
My teacher never farts in public.
She’s a private tutor.
What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?
North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious.
This new diet is working pretty well
I'm at my lowest weight of the year so far
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
I keep asking people what LGBT stands for.
No ones given me a straight answer.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Never assume what your friends have been up to
Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?” “No” she replies, “I'm Puddles. And don’t ask. Just give me a whiskey, neat.”
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?
Because they're not tenants
I was in the bar last night and this guy said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!”
I asked, “Is that a fret?”
Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out man.
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.
I think I’m being stalked.
I can’t stand when my wife
tells me to sit
You shouldn’t see any horror movie today
It May, Fri 10 you
What’s the worst thing a woman can hear after giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?
"I'm not Willie Nelson."
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care.
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.
It's what he would've wanted.
Why did the plane get sent to his room?
For a bad altitude
Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper…
They're always plotting something.
I saw a frenchmen playing a Wii.
He called it a Yes Box.
Japanese Banking Crisis
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry. In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNDDDD EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
My son just told me his first dad joke. He’s 8, so go easy.
Son: what did the fig say to the table? Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table? Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships?
So they can Scandinavian
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler’s outbursts a “temper tantrum.”
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
Someone told be that on your Cake Day, you get free Karma!
My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.