They say laughter is the best medicine but where do you get it?
He was waiting for good dough.
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
…I ran out of there like a bull in a japan shop.
It kept ringing
I only have my shelf to blame.
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
"Don't you mean 'platonic'?" No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.
I just never had the balls to do it
Because fish swim in schools.
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years. “Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there? “What, are you lying?” “Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son” Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after some time she starts wondering why Johnny hasn’t tried to take things to the next level. “Johnny, are you attracted to me? We’ve been together for months and you haven’t tried sleeping with me yet. Is something wrong?” Johnny replies, “When I was younger, my dad told me that girls have teeth, you know, down there. “That’s silly”, she says, “let me show you”. So she starts to strip from the waist down, lies back and spreads her legs. “See! No teeth!” Johnny looking horrified says “ Well no wonder! Look at the state of your gums!!!”
But China got it right off the bat.
It was an unexpected Journey.
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
… I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
because they make up everything.
We can all legally leave.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sitting there calmly…
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Because then it'd be a foot!
Bartender says "What can I get for you Mr. President?"
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
A go fuck yourself
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the women's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Does that make them shotgun snails?