They say laughter is the best medicine but where do you get it?
The ha-spital.
Samuel Beckett turned down a lowball offer for one of his plays.
He was waiting for good dough.
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
Because boomers all seemed to marry people they don’t want to actually be around…
https://ift.tt/2Kmw9zz
Finally about to do a major (well deserved) upgrade on my rig but still relevant
https://ift.tt/394vVap
I can’t believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
When my friend said I knew nothing about Asia..
…I ran out of there like a bull in a japan shop.
I called the tinnitus help line
It kept ringing
I had a bunch of books fall on me
I only have my shelf to blame.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
What did the 0 say to the 8 ?
Nice belt
Whats the rudest type of elf?
A gofuckyourself.
I like you, in a plutonic way.
"Don't you mean 'platonic'?" No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn how to juggle
I just never had the balls to do it
Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans…
Because fish swim in schools.
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers…
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.
Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years. “Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there? “What, are you lying?” “Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son” Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after some time she starts wondering why Johnny hasn’t tried to take things to the next level. “Johnny, are you attracted to me? We’ve been together for months and you haven’t tried sleeping with me yet. Is something wrong?” Johnny replies, “When I was younger, my dad told me that girls have teeth, you know, down there. “That’s silly”, she says, “let me show you”. So she starts to strip from the waist down, lies back and spreads her legs. “See! No teeth!” Johnny looking horrified says “ Well no wonder! Look at the state of your gums!!!”
All countries eventually got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat.
Bilbo Baggins suddenly woke up to “Don’t stop Believing.”
It was an unexpected Journey.
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once…
… I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Why can’t you trust atoms?
because they make up everything.
The government has been shut down for more than 15 days….
We can all legally leave.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sitting there calmly…
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
A Politician, Sexual Predator and Criminal walk into a bar
Bartender says "What can I get for you Mr. President?"
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
What do you call an elephant who doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
What type of elf is the rudest?
A go fuck yourself
The Gift
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the women's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells…
Does that make them shotgun snails?
