They say make up sex is the best
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."
What do you call new innovations in knife technology?
Cutting edge tech
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake….
There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides. EDIT: holy crap this is my most upvoted post. Thank you all!
I’ve never particularly liked those Russian nesting dolls…
They're so full of themselves!
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the Hell out of it
What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?
Take off the ring and your house is gone
So I said to Arnie: “Where did you get those toilet rolls?”
He said: "Aisle B, Back."
Whats Gordon Ramsay’s favourite sub-reddit.
IT'S FUCKING R/AWW , YOU IDIOT!
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.
The fifth was dead Sirius.
What do you call a group of 8 rabbits?
A rabbyte.
(Star war joke) From where did Aniken skywalker get his robotic hand?
From the second HAND shop
My daughter keeps pestering me to check her hair for lice
I think it’s just all in her head (I can’t believe it took me this long to find this subreddit, I love it! BTW first attempt at a dad joke!)
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What did the person who got hit by lightning twice say about it?
Since it was so rare to be hit even once, he (or she, since I don't want people to get offended) was quite shocked about it all.
![[Legit] Secrets](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/mh7nt9o61bo11-400x262.jpg)
We cannot allow this year to end
That would be admitting that 2021
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
My phone kept calling me Shirley this morning
I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.
A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl…
One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and immediately heads straight to his apartment, gun tucked in the back of her pants as a failsafe in case things get ugly. Not bothering to knock, she bursts into her boyfriend's apartment to find him and a brunette cuddled up on the couch. As the reality sinks in, the blonde is overcome with complete despair and rage. She whips the gun out and holds it to her own head. The boyfriend leaps off the couch and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The blonde, a vile look in her crazed eyes, entirely devoid of that love she once knew, snarls, "Shut up. You're next."
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform. I thought it was a bit odd…
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
What did the mod say to the redditor?
[removed]
I invented a new type of car…
Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!" My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!" Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."
why was the clock afraid it would get sick?
because its hands were constantly touching its face
I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
It was hard to grasp.
These jokes…
At first I thought that these jokes just weren't that funny. Then I realized that I'm depressed… and these jokes aren't that funny.
If a is for Apple and b is for banana….what is c for?
Plastic explosives
Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me
I was like, "What the Hellmann?"