They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decaffeinated
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.
The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, “Go forth and multiply”.
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
My boss called this morning and shouted,
“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.” “Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied. “Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.” So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”
Why are people with foot fetish losers?
Because they like to taste defeat.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
A shipment of Viagra has been stolen
Police looking for hardened criminals.
What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.
She’s obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter’s college tuition money back?
Two young lads break into a distillery…
One boy says to the other, “is this whiskey?” The other boy replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as wobbin a bank.”
What do you call a midget having an orgasm?
A shortcoming
To the hacker who hacked into my reddit account, I will find you.
(Edit: no, you won’t)
Why was the broom late for the meeting?
It overswept.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
What has four wheels and flies?
A rubbish truck
A joke I made up that’s funny only when you look back at it.
This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem", The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?" The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!" "That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certainly fix th…" "Wait! Here's the weird thing though" the guy interrupts, "Everything is blurry. EVERYTHING. Except… People's butts. People's butts, dogs butts, cats butts. Butts! I see butts clearly! What's going on?" The Optometrist smiles and calmly replies, "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about. Everyone knows that hindsight is 20/20."
Why did Princess Peach choke?
Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
I just yelled, “F, YOU GUYS!” at my students.
I love being a music teacher.
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. “Wait, don’t chop me down. I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do to help.
Did you know that a piranha can eat a kid down to the bone in 8 seconds…
anyways I lost my job at the aquarium today
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.
The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, "But sir, it's fresh ground!"
What do you call the Mandalorian’s partner?
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
Little Johnny’s teacher held a contest one Friday in school.
"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday. "The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?" Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately, but the teacher calls on Little Stevie. Little Stevie says, "That was John F. Kennedy, ma'am." "That's right, Little Stevie. You may take the day off on Monday." Little Stevie replies, "Actually, ma'am, I'm Jewish, and we believe in education. I'll be here on Monday." The teacher thanks Stevie for his dedication and then says, "Our next quotation is, 'One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.' Who said that one?" Again, Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up because he'd love a day off, but instead the teacher calls on Little Susie. Little Susie says, "That was Neil Armstrong, teacher, but just like Stevie, I, too, am Jewish and believe strongly in education. I'll be here ready to learn on Monday." From the back of the class, Little Johnny yells, "Fuck the Jews!" The teacher whips her head around and shouts, "Who said that?!" Little Johnny replies, "Adolf Hitler. See ya Tuesday."
Her: I’m pregnant.
Me: Are you kidding?? Her: Technically, Yes.
9/11 jokes are not funny
But the other 2 are
What is Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
I just figured out why Beyoncé’s hair is always blowing in every picture.
It is because she has so many fans.
This is going to be the first year that I haven’t taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it is due to lack of money
Today I had my appointment with my psychiatrist
He thinks that I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.