They sure did
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
A man walked into a bar.
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender : "What can you serve as a non – alcoholic beverage?" Bartender: "We have mango juice" Man: "I have a cold. Ju would be fine."
Hail Hydra. Trolling the ReOpen Oregon Now rally.
RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Ron Burgundy)!
I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,
we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"? He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"
We all do it
stock market good wife bad
Also oddly terrifying…
But I wanna retire
Give a man a guitar and he’ll play for a day…
Teach a man guitar and today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Frankly, I don't know, and I don't care.
Image on my German book
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck
Did you know that you’re not supposed to make sick bird puns?
Apparently it's ill eagle.
This academic life is amazing 😅
Register to Vote
At first I read tickled into thinking
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
lol we can eat w iphone
On the news: “nearly 29,000 women have their breast implants removed every year”
Me, to my wife: “that’s stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!”
NOT OUR PRESIDENT!!!!!
Hello darkness my old friend
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
Just been fired as an interrogator
I suppose I should have asked why
Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
It is hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
School bad (found on Facebook)
An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, ‘I need to search your ranch for illegally grown drugs.’ The rancher replies, ‘Okay, but don’t go into the field over there.’
The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs….. 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
This is the leader of my country
What do you call a caveman that wanders around aimlessly?
I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away…
I don’t even touch it
Don’t know if this counts
Joe’s not holding back
Chillin’ w/ my homies
It all makes sense now
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who was scared of negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
This Land is Mine…
The man who invented autocorrect has died.
May he roast in piss.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted: Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didnt! Can’t!
"Dont worry" said the docter,"Those are just contractions"
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other…
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
You are a bold one
Now there are two of them
Ran out of toilet paper and am now wiping with lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Saw this on r/coronavirus
The Emojis make it even worse…
Too close to home
“Everybody’s trying to shame us”
But there is no last stage :-p
What do you call an atheist business?
A non-prophet organization.
My brother who has a stutter is in prison.
It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.
Women really do hold grudges over the smallest things…
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tube of super glue. It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
What Republicans Mean By “Reopen”
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
Mysterious (credit to u/sathvik_vadari)
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this
People tend to get shocked…
When they find out I'm a really bad electrician.
How to fix bugs
Even no big brain people understand
An improved version of my prior meme
It’s fine, everything’s fine
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Cops in America be like
We are soooo doomed