They take PHAGES…
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
A lady dies and goes to heaven.
When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she sees someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "My dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
Friends are like snowflakes:
When you pee on them, they disappear
I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike
I meant to buy a bottle of whisky On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky So I decided to drink it all at once right there It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.
This is Greta Thunberg’s favorite subreddit.
She's very appreciative of our commitment to recycling jokes.
I said to my Jamaican date…”Leafy…Stalky…Branchy…”
"What?" she asked, confused. I said, "You asked me to describe myself in tree words."
Due to the Covid-19 Quarantine…..
I’ll only be making inside jokes.
It’s understandable. He’s not used to not getting his own way all of the time.
https://ift.tt/3c8cfUm
Did you hear about the 8 that fell over?
It took them forever to get back up.
What is Gordan Ramseys favorite disney movie?
Its fucking FROZEN!
My friend with the lazy eye just lost his job as a teacher.
He had a real hard time controlling his pupils.
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
Where have you been for the last 20 years?
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
What exactly is Fat shaming?
Mass Awareness
A blind man walks into a bar
And a chair. And a table.
When my wife and I got married, we were really poor but she stood by me during those times.
She had to. We only had one chair.
Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up…
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things…
"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,
People will be lined up for blocks.
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
Job Interview: “What is your greatest weakness”
"Honesty" "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a fuck what you think."
Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonight’s party be amazing?
8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?
Me: I’m terrified of random letters.
Therapist: you are? Me: [Screams] Therapist: I see
No Kidding Only Coding, A funny satirical article on daily dilemma of an Indian Parent
https://ift.tt/3h1Ha88
Taking things literally
is stealing.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There'd be mass confusion.
I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old…
Any tips for burying him?
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.” He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…”
I just found out there’s a person inside Iron Man.
It was a Stark realization.
I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind
It really came out of the purple
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives.