They take PHAGES…
Never assume what your friends have been up to
Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?” “No” she replies, “I'm Puddles. And don’t ask. Just give me a whiskey, neat.”
99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. You take one down, patch it around…
129 bugs in the code.
Why do people love whiteboards so much?
They're just remarkable
I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, “Hi Darlin’, I’d love to get into your pants!”
She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."
At the end of a soccer game in Japan, the players are starting performing martial arts…
Its what they call Ninjary time.
I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Not only does my new girlfriend like to watch soccer, she also plays it.
I think she's a keeper.
I asked the Deacon’s wife, “would you have sex with me for one million dollars? “
Hmmm . . .a million dollars is a lot of money. I could do a lot of good with that. Would it just be the one time? Yeah I guess I would for a million dollars. How about $20? $20? Are you serious? What kind of woman do you think I am? We’ve already established what kind of woman you are. Now we’re just negotiating the price.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
What is round and angry?
A vicious circle.
My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.
It runs in our jeans.
Despite what you think, earthquakes aren’t perfect
They all have their faults.
How do you catch a cursor fish?
click bait
Why can’t Harry Potter differentiate between his best friend and a cooking pot
They're both cauldron
What do you call a math problem that you can touch and feel?
An algebraille equation.
In Avatar, Aang is 112 years old
Some call him "Boomer Aang"
Kissing half a billion dollars goodbye… Bloomberg’s worst return on an investment
https://ift.tt/2ToqSMU
My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is
I said “No sun”
Did you hear about the movie called constipation?
It hasn't come out yet
I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’.
I can’t believe how far I’ve come.
A haiku about corona virus
I am so bored I have too much toilet paper I need a ventilator
[Meta] Puns vs Jokes
Does anyone feel a little bothered by the blurring line between puns and jokes? I was driven away from r/jokes because it was essentially a subreddit of meta-reddit-puns, clever at first, but they quickly became predictable in the sense that the punchlines are essentially just play-on-words. Is the general consensus here that the current state of the subreddit is fine? Do we need improvements? What are your thoughts on this matter?
What’s the difference between a school bus and a cactus?
A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.
Why did the man take his Toyota to the ER?
It had Corolla virus
It’s called a stain because it’s stay’n.
No text found
What’s the difference between a mechanic and a priest?
The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.
A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question
"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?" The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond. She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the class what you think freedom is dear" The little boy comes up to the front of the class and the teacher hands him a big thick dictionary of english. "Go on dear, find us the definition of freedom" The boy arrives at the section for F and finds the definition. "Freedom means doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it with total disregard for others no matter the consequences it has for the people around you or the destruction it causes. Freedom is the broken record answer you give to end every reasonable arguement where someone tries to get you to do something you don't feel like doing." The teacher is shocked, The class looks up stunned and confused and the little boy bows his head in dissapointment, tears filling his eyes. About to console the little boy, the teacher notices the cover of the dictionary and beams a bright smile. "Don't worry class!" she rejoices, "That one is American English" Made in response to all the lockdown protestors in America who won't stfu and stop putting their country to shame. They don't define America Edit: I'm confused by the angry Americans, Why come to r/jokes without your sense of humour. It's not meant as a slight to america as a whole, just that small group who are protesting the lockdowns.
After a procedure… Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
Sperm donors wanted
Please come quickly.
