they told me 30 was the new 20
What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature ?
Tequila Mockingbird
What sound does a tiny cow make
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If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France?
All that was left was de Brie.
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador
Seriously, why must most these things always suck? Especially Netflix and Max
Seriously, why must most these things always suck? Especially Netflix and Max
Have you ever tried eating the clock
Its very time consuming
Why don’t americans eat snails?
Because they like fast food.
If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he could just sip on a soda.
Then he'd have a full orca straw.
What did the farmer do for his pig that had awful body odor?
He rubbed Oink-mint on it.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?
They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them
Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
Did you hear about the all-janitor baseball team?
They swept the finals
When I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson, he looked quizzically at me and said, “But your name is Brian…”
I exclaimed, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson!"
Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat?
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
Make sure you raise your left leg at midnight tonight guys.
Let’s start the new year off on the right foot.
You know what happened to the guy who chugged 8 Pepsis at once?
…He burped 7 up
What do you have if you have a snowball in your right and a snowball in your left hand?
Frosty's full and undivided attention!
Bill Nye has a daughter who doesn’t believe in science.
Her name is Dee.
Having gay parents must be really difficult.
Either twice the Dad jokes or an infinite loop of “Go ask your mom”.
What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?
Vitamin see!
My wife said I had a terrible sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right
I bought my friend an elephant for their room
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question
"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
“Sorry boss, I won’t be coming in today for the big meeting,” I told my manager.
"Why's that?" he asked. I said, "Yes, very wise.'
Yes Pornhub I know there are lonely sluts in my area
…I’m one of them.
Nobody likes my joke about paper
It's tearable
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.
Always walking around like they rent the place.
Why is suicide illegal in China ?
Destruction of government property.
When you donate food to a church…
is it parishable?
What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?
Catching all the chickens that had crossed it
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.