They told me I’d never be good at poetry cause I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
It takes balls to be a semen donor
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Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,
completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
Found this on my computer science teacher’s webpage
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. Cole’s Law…
Is basically just cabbage.
When I was at the pool yesterday, I began peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. 😆
What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night ?
A new last name.
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?
They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
I do this with my passwords not this exactly but thought it was funny enough to share.
https://ift.tt/2SHGF9A
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
I hate using Microsoft internet browsers
It has me on Edge
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks
My son’s nursery school just bought some brand new air fresheners…
It's a day care scenter.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex…
He's a small arms dealer
Living with Roommates
If any of you have roommates that you love to death, please don't watch this video. For those of you who have those roommates that drive you up a wall and you are questioning your sanity on a daily basis, please watch this video. Video Link: https://youtu.be/ec2giEHgg4I
My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.
I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
She lived in a houseboat
Swans listened to her rock and roll
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics.
The Smallest Dick In The World
3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one goes in and comes back "Yeeehaw! I have the smallest arms in the world!". Then the second guy goes in and comes back a few minutes later "YES! I HAVE THE SMALLEST HEAD IN THE WOOOORLD!!!". Last, but not least the 3rd guy goes in and after just one minute he comes back out crying… "Who TF is /u/M3ltd0wn_ ??!".