They want us to get vaccinated so they can inject us with microchips and track us anywhere.
-Sent from my iPhone
My hipster friend drowned
He tried to walk on ice before it was cool
If one person has to go to the bathroom, they have to pee
If two or more people have to go to the bathroom, they have to queue
If you got bladder problems…
urine trouble.
How heavy is a Jew
Chances are he Israelite
A professor, a janitor, and the school’s principal are leaving for the day when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After just a few minutes, he can't take the kids' screaming any longer, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The principal says "I'll be a waitress. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze." She is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive her insane, so she smashes her plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'd like to be an artist." He is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, and sells it for several million dollars. The fairy asks the janitor "The other two did not go well at their job. How were you able to become so successful?" The janitor says "I have a masters degree in art."
Yesterday I called the suicide hotline, and they didn’t pick up
Way to leave me hanging guys
What do you call a pit full of donkeys?
An asshole
whenever i ask someone what is LGBT
i never get a straight answer
My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.
But I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me
Coronavirus
I bet the guy who invented hand sanitizer is rubbing his hands together now.
During a war, Communists are Russian
The Japanese are just loli-gagging.
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me
it means a lot.
Monsters aren’t usually good at math
Unless you count Dracula.
My New Years resolution is to lose weight.
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
A farmer’s wife is making breakfast for her husband…
As she's serving his breakfast, he grabs her breast and tells her "if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows". Visibly upset, she continues cooking. A moment later he grabs his wife's crotch and tells her "if this could lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens". As the wife sits down to eat, she grabs the farmer's crotch and tells him "if this could get hard, we could get rid of your brother".
I phoned up the wine shop.
I said, "Hi, do you do deliveries?" He said, "Yes, sir. Of course." "Superb," I said, "I've got a Domino's Pizza ready to pick up."
My sister called my dad today to ask if there’s any history of glaucoma on his side of the family.
My dad: “None that I’ve seen!”
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
Great Aunt shared this on Facebook, thought someone here might be able to decipher?
https://ift.tt/2VfhPh8
What’s the difference between a filthy Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and one is a busty crustacean.
A man decides to treat himself one day and buys a ticket to the Superbowl.
He bought the ticket the day of and got a seat in the nosebleeds. He arrived a little late to the game and as he was entering the stadium he noticed a man with an empty seat right behind his teams bench. Ever the opportunist he walks over and asks the man if the seat's taken. "It isn't actually," the man replies. "You mind if I sit there?" "It's actually supposed to be my wife's seat, we haven't missed a Superbowl in 30 years." The man then asks why she isn't with him. "Well, sadly she died quite recently." "I'm sorry to hear that." The man says. "But you couldn't find a single friend or family member to sit with you?" "Unfortunately not," the man says, "They're all at the funeral."
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.
The fifth was dead Sirius.
My son asked me what an updog was.
I told him it was an older version of a henway. “What’s a henway?” My son asked. “About 5 pounds” I replied.
I wanted to be an anti-vaxxer for halloween
but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass
I have joke about left-handers.
The only issue is I’m having trouble finding the right audience.
I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
For the past three weeks, I’ve been jogging a mile a day
Now I don't know where I am.