They’ll never take our guns!
They both become useless after opening windows.
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglass.
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
But when I got home all the signs were there.
I’ll tell ya later
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?” The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”
Too many handshakes
Unfortunately, the police found it.
I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.
Don't tell my boss I said that.
Then you’re looking in Alderaan places
And I gotta say that's true because I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
I have selfish steam issues.
I don’t even touch it
I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.
Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..
Now I'm having a huge vowel movement.
Just heard the best Dad joke in real time at the Jiffy Lube and I bet this guy has been waiting his whole life for this moment. Clerk: "Sir, are you here for an oil change?" Guy (probably in his 70s): "No, but the car is." Clerk: (puts head on desk and starts laughing)
Because long time no C.
edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.
Son: Dad, can't you just use a sponge ?
He said “Genius”
I'll let you know…
The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id”.
Most Americans don't get it.
Because they're so good at it.
“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
"Are you having a crisis?"
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
Im beside myself
"What the heck." He says to himself. "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy. "What’s the name of your willy?" The cowboy says. "Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink." "The gay waiter says. "I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer. "Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks. "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies. "‘Cause it takes a licking and keeps on ticking." A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella’s on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says….. "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims. "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds. "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says. "I call mine CHEVY Like a Rock!" And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks. "Why Secret?" The cowboy says. "Because it’s ‘STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
now that's a site for sore eyes