They’re already in the room
idk where to put this but i want it to be out in the world. do what you will
idk where to put this but i want it to be out in the world. do what you will
I got fired from my job at the glass factory for failing to declare my expenses.
Apparently transparency is very important to them. (I'll let myself out…)
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion…
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Until I got kicked out of the library
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A man enters a pun contest
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
I went to the grocery store.
The sign said "No food or drinks inside" So I went home.
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her…
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was shocked
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They'll just beat the room for being black.
A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.
A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?" The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip your finger into the holy water, and you may pass through the gate." The second girl, Kelly, says "I once fondled with one…" st Peter replies "alright, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a commotion amongst the group and one of the girls pushes her way to the front. St Peter says "Jennifer! what's the rush?" The girl replies "if I'm going to have to gargle that water I want to do it before Tammy sticks her ass in it!"
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
No text found
termites on a date
Waiter: What would you like to order, sir? Termite: Table for two.
The Secret Service are no longer allowed to say “Get down Mr. President!”
Now they have to yell "Donald, Duck!"
My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.
She said “Yes…. all the other guys were nines or tens”
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn't help at all.
If the new SONY car ever breaksdown
You'll have to Walkman.
What do you call a cow that works out?
Beefy my 15 year old daughter trying to emulate my sense of humor.
I have mixed feelings about graphs.
The x and y axes are pretty cool but not the plot itself. That’s where I draw the line.
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.
My friend claims he can print a gun in using his 3D printer…
But I'm not impressed, I've had a canon printer for ages.
West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.
Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.
Never start a pillow fight with Death…
…unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
People say that I’m a plagiarist
Their words, not mine.
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?”
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."
A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.
“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.” “You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”
I am dad now
This just happened at the dinner table. My Dad was talking about how he got up very early for work. The conversation went like this: Dad: “Man, I woke up way too early this morning and it completely threw me out of sync.” Me: “Well, why were you sleeping in the sink?” My Mom rolled her eyes. I am Dad now.
My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I put my foot down
My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.
She's a nightmare
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
Monsters aren’t usually good at math
Unless you count Dracula.
What did the grape say when he got stepped on?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine