They’re becoming self aware
I will not mess up this omelette! I will not mess up this omelette! I will not mess up this omelette!
I will enjoy these scrambled eggs!!
“I’m sorry, we don’t serve time travelers here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Did you know that Iceland…
…is only one sea away from Ireland?
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
How do locomotives hear?
Through the engineers.
What’s the difference between in-laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.
The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!" The Higgs-boson particle says "But you can't have mass without me!"
I love going outdoors…
It's much safer than going outwindows.
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!
An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.
Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place. God, on the other hand, took notice of what was taking place and was furious. He demanded to speak with Satan. "Why do you have this man when he lived righteously and has a place in heaven?" God bellowed. "I don't know, but I'm keeping him," Satan snarkily replied. "You will hand him over now," God said ferociously, "or else I will sue you!" Satan smirked. "Where you gonna get a lawyer?"
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line becomes a-parent
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero…
The Invisible man!
Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?
Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.
An English man, a French man, a Cuban Man and an Indian man are in a train carriage.
The French man takes out a bottle of very expensive wine, has one sip, and throws it out the window. The English man says "why did you do that? " and the French man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless. A few minutes later the Cuban man takes out a very fancy cigar, has one puff and throws it out the window. The English man says "why did you do that? " and the Cuban man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless. A few minutes later, the English man throws the Indian man out the window.
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.
He said I had hair like an emo. He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.
A farmer gets interviewed
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one? Interviewer: Brown one. Farmer: a couple of litres per day. Interviewer: And the black one? Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat? Farmer: Which one? Black or brown? Interviewer: Black. Farmer: It eats grass. Interviewer: And the other one? Farmer: Grass. Interviewer (now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?! Farmer: Because the black one’s mine. Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one? Farmer: It’s also mine.
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Best incest joke? It’s actually pretty hilarious, but I won’t tell you.
We keep it in the family
I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.
I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
I thought my son was straight.
But then he got bi with a little help from his friends.
Why does ketchup always have good vision?
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
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A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night…
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
I have a friend who really loves to count.
I wonder what he’s up to?
My wife was in labour and started shouting “Wouldn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"
Squirrels In Church
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer & consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, & they should not interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrel's & made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.