They’re ready to take to your manager
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop talking in clickbait.
What happened next will shock you!
What does every racist joke start with?
A look over the shoulder.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
Why do cemeteries have walls and fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in! (My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)
A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood
Why did Spiderman quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
A bottle of coke just fell out of the fridge onto my foot.
I’m so glad it was a soft drink
What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?
400 Million dollars
Why was 10 traumatized?
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and a computer cable?
One's a British WASP, and the other is a USB.
What’s the difference between children and lesbians?
Children shouldn't run with scissors and Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs
A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? "Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a football fan, what sport are you a fan of? "I am a basketball fan and proud of it, " Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a basketball fan? " "Because my mum is a basketball fan, and my dad is a basketball fan, so I'm a basketball fan too!" "Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a basketball fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? Mary smiled, and said…………… "then I'd be a football fan."
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme…
Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have have two dollars AT LEAST. And the guy above me? He’s got tons of dollars.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers
It translates to: Pero (the guys name) if you did not notice, I am wearing the same dress.
https://ift.tt/2XpzNP7
The pope visits Texas…
He gets the VIP treatment. Limos. The works. One day there’s a bit of a mix up in his schedule and he finds himself in his limo with just the driver. Nobody else. Seeing the opportunity he asks, “Mr Driver I haven’t had a days peace in decades. One of my old pleasures was to just drive my car. Please, you will be blessed, can I drive the limo?” The driver reluctantly agrees. They swap seats and off the Pope goes. Obviously, completely caught up in the experience he goes way over the speed limit. Only to be pulled over by a state trooper. Trooper knocks on the window. Pope winds it down. Trooper takes one look at the Pope and returns to his squad car without saying a word. The trooper gets on the radio and calls his sergeant. “Boss. We have a problem here.” “What is it?” says his boss. The trooper explains he’s stopped a limo for speeding. “You know how you said to call you first if I ever caught a big fish? I’ve caught a big fish”. “Well who is it man?!” exclaims the sergeant. “He’s a big fish!” says the trooper! “Well who for crying out loud, is he a fellow officer?!” “Bigger fish than that!” says the trooper. “Tell me who it is! Is it a senator?!” “Bigger!” “The governor?!” “BIGGER!!” “Tell me or I’ll have your badge officer!!!” SCREAMS the sergeant! “I don’t know who he is but his driver is the Pope!!”
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
I asked 100 women which kind of shampoo they used.
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"
I asked my boss, “Can I have a week off around Christmas?” He growled, “It’s May!”
I countered, “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas!?”
What do you call a kid who is born in a whorehouse?
A brothel sprout (I’ll let myself out)
My wife’s leaving me because she says I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa…
Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her.
Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t call his parents Mom and Dad.
He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.
[NSFW] Squeeze and Tug
A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed. The wife turned to the husband and said, “If I’m in the mood to get frisky, I’ll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.” The husband said, “And if I’m interested, I’ll put your hand on my penis. All you have to do is tug once for yes, and tug 537 times for no.”
Post Malone has canceled his tour.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
What did the grape say when he got stepped on?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine
I overheard someone saying that a truck carrying Scrabble games overturned on route.
At least that’s the word on the street.
I just found out there’s no popcorn in popcorn shrimp
I guess there’s no need to try pot roast.
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess!"
Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
Elevators are a lot like urinals
Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.
I’ve been saying “mucho” more when talking to my Hispanic friends.
It means a lot to them.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.
But what if they run out of children?
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,
and I asked if they were gay. They arrested me.
I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place. Man: Aww….! Are you single? Woman: No, I am a Dentist.