They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
A man tells his friend, “I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl.”
His friend asks, "Who?"
A Jewish man sent his son to Jerusalem for vacation.
Upon his son's return, the father finds out that his son has turned Christian! So, the father goes to his friend for emotional support. He says “Ethan, I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian”! “That’s odd…” His friend said, “I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian too”! They both decide to go to their Synagogue and talk to the Rabbi. “Rabbi, Ethan and I sent our sons over to Jerusalem, and they came back Christian”! “That’s odd…” the Rabbi said “I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian too”! Utterly dumbfounded, all three of the men decide to fly over to Jerusalem to see if they can get any answers. The three men arrive in Jerusalem and looked around for the better part of a day and found no clues. So, they go to the West wall and kneel down. The Rabbi prays, “Oh, God! Give us wisdom. We sent our sons to Jerusalem, and each one came back Christian”! As they were kneeling, God said, ”That’s odd…” Edit: a word
What do you get when you cross dyslexic, an insominac and a agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?
Oh, high marks
A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke
Dog: Tell me a joke Man: Don’t be silly, you’re a dog Dog: Oh, go on Man: You’re a dog, you won’t understand Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese Man: OK. Knock Knock Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….
Son: Dad, don’t you think you’ve eaten enough?
Dad: Son, it's good to live life to the fullest.
I don’t know why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk…
He's basically a giant banner.
Why did the latino man go to the therapist?
To talk about hispanic attacks.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
(NSFL) Dog
An animal lover, a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are talking. Animal lover: We should get a dog! Zoophile: and fuck him Sadist: and torture him Pyromaniac: and set him one fire Necrophile: and fuck the corpse Masochist: woof
Breaking: Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump have both been diagnosed with Bone Spurs.
https://ift.tt/2FfFcj5
I bought a Dog off a Blacksmith the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a Bolt for the Door.
My friend showed me his huge comic book collection…
It was quite a Marvel.
Helium walks into a bar
The bartender says, "Sorry but you're gonna have to leave; we don't serve noble gases here." Helium does not react
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said
'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.' 'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.' Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before. Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now. Bartender: Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? Pirate: We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really… Bartender: What about that eye patch? Pirate: Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye. Bartender: You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit? Pirate: It was my first day with the hook.
An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here and my Secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" “Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
What does every racist joke start with?
A look over the shoulder.
Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back they can Scandinavian.
So this happened today at Game 5 of the World Series that Trump is attending tonight…
https://ift.tt/2q0r1u4
Proud of my six year old
My four year old fell down and hit her butt on something and started crying. My six year old calls her over so she can “take a look.” She says “Well I think you broke your butt. There’s a crack down the middle.”
Here is joke about Canada don’t take it seriously
Credits to u/commonschemeforyou God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world" The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
What’s the difference between a computer and an American?
An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.
Who decided to call them “murder hornets”
and not “buzzkills”?
Trump retreating to his safe space after being treated ‘very unfairly’ by NATO members
https://ift.tt/34RYsyv
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s Dog and Schrodinger’s Cat
She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.
I went to the doctor…
I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette. I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.” I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled…
But it's hard to say…
Whenever I eat burnt toast it makes me feel sick.
I guess I’m just black toast intolerant.
A man goes to a brothel.
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I wan to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row." "Where are you from?" The man replied, " New Brunswick ." "Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney." "She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.” The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!” Mom: “Exactly.”
