Thing i made up #2583
Why does every pothead want to be 5’8″ in height?
Then they literally 4'20"
The President of the United States saves the economy from the COVID-19 slowdown.
https://ift.tt/3ac8Pj8
What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother
For $10 worth of bitcoin B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin? T: I just want to start investing for college? B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you. T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for? B: I gave you $15.43, just like you asked. T: Okay, hopefully my $13.86 price will go up. B: No problem, Timmy. $4.31 isn't that much for me.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
In America some dogs are K-9
In China some dogs are E-10
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their guidedogs.
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?
An iron deficiency.
How Cult45 reacts when someone tells them their Dear Leader said something stupid.
https://ift.tt/2BmbJSE
Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies." So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar." The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells… "SUPPLIES!"
Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.
Poor bastard.
A man enters a pun contest
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches
I like my women how I like my Corona viruses
Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath
Three vampires walk into a bar
Bartender asks "What can I get ya?" The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary." Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks." On the third's turn he orders "Hot water." Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?" To which the third vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and answers, "I'm just going to make some tea."
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope
My future boss asked if i could perform under pressure.
I said "No, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody"
Dad:”I need to call the doctor today.” Mom:” Which doctor?”
Dad: "No the regular kind."
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
Daughter’s vibrator
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
only a fraction of people will get this joke
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
What do you call an emo accapello group?
Self Harmony
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple -my 8yr old daughters riddle
What number is a sport?
Ten is
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions…
Oh well, hindsight is 1
I told my son I was named after Stephen Hawking
Son: “But dad, your name is John.” Me: “I know, but I was named AFTER Stephen Hawking.”
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?
Because they're all not 'C's.
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s. SARS wasn’t Bush’s…
…and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.