Things you don’t need to feel guilty about
Why was the forest so noisy?
The tree’s bark.
Dad: We need to go out
ME: Where are we going? Dad: To pick up our glasses from the optometrist. ME: Than What? Dad: We'll see..
Accidentally gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me.
Girlfriend asks me ” Soooo, what sounds good to you?”
Me: A blowjob Gf: Me: Gf: Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.
Leather is great for sneaking around
Because its made of hide
A married couple was in a terrible accident…
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
As an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry…
I mined my own business.
My girlfriend asked to do a 69
I said "what’s that?" she said "lay down an I’ll show you" so she went to squat over my face. as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time. with that I jumped up an said "I’m off, I’m fucked if I’m hanging around for another 67 of them"
Here’s a joke about China
[redacted]
My buddy called me and asked what I was doing…
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
What does my iPhone drink to refuel?
Apple juice
It’s ironic that Parasite won.
Because there was no host for the Oscars. Huh? Huh? I'll show myself out.
My staircase was getting a lot of buzz, then it blew up
It’s gone spiral
My wife came back from the store today wearing a shirt with stalks of corn on it.
I asked her if she got a good deal on her new crop top, and she heard me from across the street. Her ears are brand new!
My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
But the ungrateful bitch spat it out.
I feel like a car with twenty wheels today.
Very tired
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graiins!
A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!" The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!" Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Miss?"
What do you call a psychic dwarf that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be “friends with benefits”.
Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
My obese parrot died today
I am sad but it’s a great weight off my shoulders
I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.
It is actually the San Andreas's fault.
The man who has invented predictive text has died.
His funfair is next monkey. May he rust in piss.
Why does the Swedish Navy have bar codes on their ship?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet…
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.
God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.
God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?" "Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was awesome. We're going to call it 'sex'!" God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You and Eve must both be punished." He looks around. "Where is Eve anyway?" Adam replies "well, she enjoyed it so much she wants to do it again. She's down by the river washing her vagina." "Oh, great" God replies. "Now, on top of everything else, all the fish will smell funny too!"
People say Facebook knows more about us than we do
Facebook still thinks I have friends.