Things you don’t need to feel guilty about
Best incest joke? It’s actually pretty hilarious, but I won’t tell you.
We keep it in the family
When you say the word “poop”
your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".
It used to be that when people would tell me to go to Hell, I’d say “I don’t believe in Hell.”
But then I got married.
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Two radio antennas fell in love and got married
The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
Why haven’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our reviews. One star.
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"
What movies are rated 3.1416 stars?
Pirated movies
I bought myself a gun a few years back after an attempted robbery
Since then, I have been a lot more successful in my attempts
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It’s cool that last names tell us about old family professions
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths and the Bowman family were archers and the Dickinson family… well they were in jail
What do you call a girl who refuses to pay her bills?
Burnadebt (Just thought of this and I gotta admit…I'm a little bit proud of myself.)
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble bee
My dad’s favourite joke. Mine too.
There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs. 'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.' The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out. 'Spider, walk left' The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced. 'Spider, move right.' The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe. The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence. 'Move left' The spider didn't move. 'Move right' Nothing. Forward, backward, no response. 'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'
Is sex a joke?
If it is, I don't get it
What’s the fastest way to massacre snails?
A salt rifle
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Some people like floors
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs.
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.
Going into my son’s room is the same as going to Ikea
You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.
My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus. It was terrible
No text found
I lost my voice today.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.
I’m going to open a restaurant that serves a fusion of Hawaiian and Jamaican cuisines
I'm going to call it Poke, Mon
I just ordered a vault and loudspeaker online
They just arrived. Safe and sound Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear Dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
Why did the pacifist refuse to eat in the Italian Parliament’s cafeteria?
The cooks a-salted everything
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
What do I do when my ice house falls apart?
Igloo it back together again.
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
What do you call cheese that isnt yours..?
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave them my too weak notice…
Why do girls go out in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they cant even.
Have you ever tried blind folded archery?
You don't know what you're missing
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He shouts, “A beer please! And one for the road!”
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
I was diagnosed as colorblind yesterday
It came completely out of the purple
One piece of advice my dad always gave me is to learn early from your mistakes.
Probably why I’m the only child.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid…
