We keep it in the family
your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".
But then I got married.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
They checked our reviews. One star.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"
Since then, I have been a lot more successful in my attempts
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths and the Bowman family were archers and the Dickinson family… well they were in jail
Burnadebt (Just thought of this and I gotta admit…I'm a little bit proud of myself.)
A humble bee
There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs. 'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.' The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out. 'Spider, walk left' The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced. 'Spider, move right.' The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe. The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence. 'Move left' The spider didn't move. 'Move right' Nothing. Forward, backward, no response. 'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'
If it is, I don't get it
A salt rifle
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.
You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.
No text found
I can't tell you how annoying it is.
I'm going to call it Poke, Mon
They just arrived. Safe and sound Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear Dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
The cooks a-salted everything
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
Igloo it back together again.
Well, toucan play that game.
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
I just gave them my too weak notice…
Because they cant even.
You don't know what you're missing
He shouts, “A beer please! And one for the road!”
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
It came completely out of the purple
Probably why I’m the only child.
Butane, because it's lighter fluid…