Thinking intensifies
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it
It means my illegal logging business is a success
The guy who stole my diary just died…
My thoughts are with his family!
I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song
giving us time to change the song.
My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults.”
Good Dad, terrible geologist.
Got my first tattoo today
But it was only temporary. (I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
Who has time to worry about 2,363 Americans deaths, when Trump is happy with his ratings
https://ift.tt/2WRHUW0
I’m happy for Nintendo’s success.
It's like a switch went off in their head a few years ago…
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster
So we can think about a solution in silence.
How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.
Mike Tyson gifted little metal cups to his friends…
When they asked what it meant, he said it was a thimble of friendship!
What’s the definition of a will?
Come on guys, it's a dead giveaway.
What do an Amsterdam woman and Saudi woman have in common?
They both get stoned after sex
The creator of winrar is arrested
His trial is expected to last forever
Democratic Socialism isn’t “free stuff”. It is getting services for your tax dollars.
https://ift.tt/2H6meMP
Thanks to being furloughed I have finally had time to clean out my attic.
I haven't cleaned it, but I have had time.
A prosthetics company was going out of business.
It was on its last legs.
My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
She was eaten by a giant crab
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.
But I got bored and quit because it was just one ting after another.
![[Legit] found this gem on the bookface](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/i8kmpqdiv9o11-400x442.jpg)
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
A man walks into his home to realize that all his lamps were stolen
He was delighted
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff…
“Ba-dumm-Tsss”
A farmer and a king died at the same time.
They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates. "Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?" The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits. "Wonderful," said St. Peter. "What can you do, your majesty?" The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it. Ultimately, St. Peter made the decision to allow the king into heaven. And the moral of the story is, a royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing
And it’s discussing fucking.
You should send a picture of your ex to NASA.
Apparently they are desperate to get a photo of A hole that sucks all your time and energy.
Little Johnny’s teacher held a contest one Friday in school.
"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday. "The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?" Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately, but the teacher calls on Little Stevie. Little Stevie says, "That was John F. Kennedy, ma'am." "That's right, Little Stevie. You may take the day off on Monday." Little Stevie replies, "Actually, ma'am, I'm Jewish, and we believe in education. I'll be here on Monday." The teacher thanks Stevie for his dedication and then says, "Our next quotation is, 'One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.' Who said that one?" Again, Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up because he'd love a day off, but instead the teacher calls on Little Susie. Little Susie says, "That was Neil Armstrong, teacher, but just like Stevie, I, too, am Jewish and believe strongly in education. I'll be here ready to learn on Monday." From the back of the class, Little Johnny yells, "Fuck the Jews!" The teacher whips her head around and shouts, "Who said that?!" Little Johnny replies, "Adolf Hitler. See ya Tuesday."
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
Don’t spell part backwards
It’s a trap
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs…
"Really?" she said, "Go on then…try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?" “Yesterday." I replied.