Third Streich
How does Harry Potter get to class?
Walking. JK! Rolling!
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew EDIT: Wow, thanks for the silver kind stranger!
what I if told you…
that you misread the first line of this joke
An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.
I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night. I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”
Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
Guy at the bar is so wasted that he throws up on his shirt…
He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again" Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned" The drunk guy thinks this is an awesome solution and proceeds to get home. His wife is waiting for him and starts yelling at him "You got drunk and puked on your shirt again, didn't you?" The guy says "No, what happened is that I was at the bar and this guy puked on me, but he put 10 dollars in my shirt pocket so I can have it cleaned" Wife reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out 2 $10 dollar bills and says "This is not 10 dollars, this is 20!" Guy says "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too"
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas ?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
Two reasons I don’t give money to homeless people. 1) They are going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol
2) I am going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol.
I yelled “Cow!” at a woman on a bike…
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.
My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.
It was a little drum attic.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.” He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.” At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “William… William, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.” It was impressive. So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I'm sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!” And he said “Thanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Collin.”
I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.
Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..
my friend told me there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends
i really hope it's Jerry, he's cute
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats
My book on clocks just arrived.
It’s about time.
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.” “If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?” “We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?” “Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?” “Oh, no,” the husband replies. "She's left-handed!" Edit: punchline is not is bold anymore
ISO Halloween Jokes
Thank You.
I don’t have a “dad bod”…
I have a father figure.
If you think 2020 puns are bad this year, just wait until next year.
Hindsight will be 2020.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
A canibal shows up late to a dinner
He ended up getting the cold shoulder
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.
Who the fuck does that.
What’s a Shark’s favorite type of sandwich?
A peanut butter and Jellyfish sandwich.
Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
My bosses tie
I asked this hot girl her New Years resolution
She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
I played my dad in chess yesterday.
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.
A woman is giving birth to twins.
Due to the massive blood loss during the delivery, she had gone unconscious shortly after they were delivered. She awakens to a nurse who congratulated her on having the kids and told her that her brother had come in and named the children for her. "Oh no" the woman said, "My brother is a little slow…he's not entirely all there" "Don't worry" says the nurse, "He actually picked good names, the girls name is Denise" "That's not that bad" says the woman. "What's my boys name?" The nurse replies "Denephew"
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
Do you know why people are buying up all the toilet paper?
Because people are losing their shit.
My wife told me that I have two flaws:
I never listen. Something else…
