Third Streich

What do you call Batman when he leaves church?
Christian Bale.
How do you call a pesron, that doesn’t read words right?
You. You read ''Person'' wrong.
Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds.
I proud to say I managed to hit one of the little shits!
“Has your dog got a name?”
"Yes," I replied. "It's called a Labrador."
Mexico called.
They are willing to pay for the wall now.
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was motherfucking gold
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side
Not to brag, but I made some incredible dinner last night.
With a silent “cr”.
I hate having body confidence issues…
I've had it up to ear with him.
Never have sex with a wizard…
I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.
What do you get when you cross Father’s Day and Cake day?
Extra Karma… I hope.
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
The only date I have for Valentine’s Day
Is February 14th.
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, “I want to try doggy tonight.”
Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees. So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner. After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart" The wife turns on her bedside lamp, confused, and says, "What? What about doggy?" The husband replies, "Honey, I can't believe you enjoyed it so much you want more. I'm sorry, but there's none left, I'll cook it again for you next week."
Why is 1 = 0 ??
Cos 0 = 1
I Googled “how to start a wildfire”.
I got 48,500 matches.
Why do younever buy a pair of shoes from a drug dealer?
Because you don't know what he laces them with and you'll be tripping all day.
I can never go back
A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on." A week later Mrs. Murphy attends Surgery and the doctor enquires as to how things went. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible." "What's terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?" "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking weed.
The judge says: "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday to see how you got on" On Monday, the judge asks the first guy: "How did you do over the weekend?" Guy 1: "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever" Judge: "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " Guy 1: "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this; O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" Guy 2: "Well, your honor, I persuaded 350 young guys to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "350 people! How did you manage to do that?" Guy 2: "Well, I used a similar diagram, I drew two circles like this; o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your arsehole before prison………….."
I was in a taxi when the driver said..
I was in a taxi when the driver said“I love my job! I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!”. I said “Great. Now take a left here!”
I wrote a book about my love of punctuation.
The Comma Sutra.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.
One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He rolls down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me a body!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies. Almost a year goes by and Christmas rattles around again. “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me arms for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, sure enough, Little Tommy has arms. He leaps onto his palms and down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me arms!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies. Almost another year passes and Christmas arrives again. “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me legs for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, a pair of fully functional legs with feet to boot. He sprints down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me legs!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies. Little Tommy can’t believe his luck. “Mommy Mommy, I just have to go tell Little Billy I have legs!” Little Tommy throws open the front door, bounds outside and is immediately killed by a passing car. The moral of the story? Quit while you’re a head.
A woman get cheated by on by her husband.
Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there’s a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decide to go there to consult him. After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reach the top and meet the wise monk. “I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young women. My life is stolen, and I’m left with nothing. I don’t know what to do”. The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: “Is the cookie delicious?” “Yes”- she answer. “Do you want another one?” “Sure, please”. The monk looked her in the eyes and said “Do you see the problem now?” The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks, “I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that”. The monk shake his head “No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less.
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized"
What does the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot when they collided. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
I stumbled upon an Elk with no name…
… it was Anonymoose

They’re banning phones in my school, my teacher was laughing her ass off at this
https://ift.tt/2TTqdCz
What’s the difference between In-Laws and Outlaws
Outlaws are wanted.
Kobe Bryant’s death was an important and historic occasion.
It marked the first time he's passed in years.