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Doctor: “Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright.”
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
A wife came home early and…
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it.
I recently broke up with my ex. She hated how bad at directions I am.
So one day, I just packed up my bags and right.
How do you make somebody curious?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
I WRITE ALL MY PUNS IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN OSLO!
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My town’s population never changes.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
For a second, I couldn’t decide what underwear to buy.
It was a moment of brief indecision.
What is the difference between soon-to-be parents that want a girl and liquid that’s been used to clean plates?
One's dishwater… The other's wish daughter
I’m not sure if I like the game Battleship
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??
Well, I for one..
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
You should never date someone with a lazy eye
They might be seeing someone on the side
What does DNA stand for?
National dyslexia association
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
I Don’t Understand Why People Have Been Hating On The Police.
Roxanne is a really good song.
A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.
American: Have you seen the Titanic? Canadian: What's that about? American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.
Are you today’s date?
Because you're 10/10.
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
it's not hard…
What do you call Muslim chili peppers?
Halalapenos
I wasn’t sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again…
Stranger Things have happened.
My dad suffers from short term memory loss…
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.
Can people stop making coronavirus jokes
I’m getting sick of them
What did one French man say to the other French guy.
I don’t know. I don’t speak French.
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
My tailor really likes fixing my clothes
Or sew it seams