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Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.
When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?…" All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row…" he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of troops on the ground. "I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause, and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the…" but before he can finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed." Stalin then stares cold and hard at the soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans towards his microphone and says "Bless you."
Why is it tough to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they keep taking the jokes- literally.
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
My mom’s sister works in a bakery and is always in a bad mood.
She's my cross aunt.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
You guys hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.
I told her to lighten up.
After my memory loss, I couldn’t remember the other word for ‘couch’.
I've been having a hard time recalling it sofa.
My name is ______
But you can call me anytime
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
Was going to make a joke about childbirth…
But it's hard to deliver
We should give credit to the number 2.
It became a prime number against all odds.
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had
Apparently every country got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat
A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg
"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!" "I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the doctor asked. "That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Please! I really need $5! Just $5! Please! I'm desperate!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was truly dumbfounded. "Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your ear down on my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need $20! Please lend me $20, please! I am really desperate!" "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in any of my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "However… I can make a well-educated guess. Based on life and all my previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty, that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today…
To make it more classy…
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job,
Now he’s just a handyman.
An american farmer visits Germany
In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer. "Are you a farmer?" he asks the man. "Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies. "How big is your farm?" the american enquires. "Well, roughly 20 square miles" the german answers, not knowing where this is going. "Haha, 20 square miles" the american laughs, "Thats cute, do you want to know how big my farm is? When I want to tour my whole farm and get into my car to drive around, it takes me 2 days to come back home" The german looks up from his beer and replies: "Ah yes, I had an american car once aswell"
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter.
P. Without it they're irate.
So my name is William
And my soccer coach in 7th grade asks me: Do you they call you Will or Bill? Me: They call me both. Coach: Okay, Both, nice to meet you. I'm 42 years old, and that man's son still calls me "Both" to this day.
Two men are playing golf.
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror…
(ahem!) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder…" Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri? I mean, in terms of timing? I've been a bit preoccupied, so remind me, when was he killed?" After a few moments consulting his ipad, the aide replies, "Next week, sir."
A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke
Dog: Tell me a joke Man: Don’t be silly, you’re a dog Dog: Oh, go on Man: You’re a dog, you won’t understand Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese Man: OK. Knock Knock Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….
Got the best compliment from my doctor today
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
What’s the difference between a fish, guitar, and a pot of glue?
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.
I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"
What do you call a fat neo-nazi?
A wide supremacist.
Why didn’t Barbie get pregnant?
Ken came in another box
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
I have a playlist of songs from Eminem, The Cranberries, and the Peanuts.
I named it The Trail Mix.
A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.
A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes. “Have you ever had a hug?” She asked. “No.” So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug. Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man. “Aw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?” “No.” He says. She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss. Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past. “Oh you poor thing…Have you ever been fucked?” “No.” “Well you will be soon, the tides coming in.”
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn’t be painful.
Except for the punchline.
I must have an amazing butt
Whenever I'm done talking to people and walk away they say "What an ass"
What’s the cheapest meat? Deer balls.
They're under a buck.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
What’s green, has four legs, and is deadly when it jumps on you?
A billiards table
What’s the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving eachother a blowjob
