This✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️
Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins…
She's not nosey, just terrible at parking!
Put a load in the dishwasher earlier
My wife prefers to call it intercourse
It’s funny that when a guy sleeps with a ton of girls, he is a stud.
But when a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, I’m somehow never one of them.
Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?
Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”. -Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter. Yes, that’s right, Alan. -Thanks, Dad!
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
Why was the Tatooine IRS always going after the sand people?
Because they single file to hide their numbers.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
My 10 year old came in with a piece of paper and said “Dad, I’ve got a joke for you.”
Then she ripped it in half and said, “Never mind, it’s tearable.” I feel like I’ve succeeded as a dad.
Pretty woman sneezes…
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Two blind pilots enter a plane.
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence. The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke. In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."
I tell it in the wrong order.
Why am i bad at telling jokes?
![[Parody] Competitive Programming](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/no_image_card-155-400x247.png)
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearable.
She couldn’t stay away from her granddaughter anymore. This was her solution.
https://ift.tt/2XXVpnO
I pretend to be gay in order to gain the trust of women I like.
I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing. Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.
My body is nicely defined.
If you look up the word "flabby".
The titanic went down in 60 seconds
Let that sink in for a minute
*Hits Blunt*
Blunt: Hey what the fuck man
Why did Martin Luther King Jr. get an A in math?
He was good at finding solutions to inequalities.
Dad jokes?
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
I don’t get anti-vaxxers.
If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?
My wife is finally going to watch Back to the Future
I told her it's about time.
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Someone once told me I had a nice-ass shirt.
I told them that they can just call it pants.
