“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them”
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
Then it dawns on me
post our home made sex tape on PornHub, saying she couldn’t stand the thought of all those strangers masturbating over it. So I put it on Facebook instead.
It was harder to deter gents.
Happy April Flu’s Day!
OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A hockey player showers after three periods.
But all the good ones Argon
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
It will be the last thing I do.
A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression, and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.
In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn't by pass the ass hole.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
Thailand.( Credit to my brothers who dosent use reddit).
The soldier responds, “No, sir. I came here yester-die!”
I wish I could have read the signs.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :_(
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
I wish I had a pony.
and I thought to myself, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a terrible driver."
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"
He replied, "Your name is 'You know what my name is'?" I've never been prouder.
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: “I’ll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can’t, I’ll pay you $500!”
A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor. "Doctor I cant taste anything!" Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue. The lawyer quickly spits it out and says "UGH that's gasoline!" Doc gets his $100. Lawyer comes back the next day to try again, and claims he has lost his memory. Doc says "No problem, nurse bring me vial 43!" Lawyer says "But that's the gasoline!!". Doc happily takes his $100, and lawyer walks out quite frustrated. Finally on the third day the lawyer thinks he has the solution. Goes in and tells the Doc he has lost his sight. Doc ponders a second and finally let's out a sigh. He begrudgingly walks the lawyer out to the cash register and hands him five $1 bills. Lawyer says, "Hey wait that's only $5!" Doc smiles and says "That'll be $100."
She acts like I don't exist until she wants something.
The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"
Now I use a glass.