This
Stan lee
Its sad he died but at least he lived a marvelous life
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
How many syllables does the word gloria have?
Christians: 18
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
English puns make me feel numb
But math puns make me feel number
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
I love jokes about the eyes.
The cornea the better
Can anyone inform me on who invented knock knock jokes ?
They deserve a no bell prize
Facebook keeping important infrastructure out of the hands of junior developers
https://ift.tt/2CRGaB3
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
I’m giving up masturbating for an entire month.
Sorry, bad punctuation. I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.
can you do it on the end?
can you do it on the end?
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage…
I lost my case
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…..
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"
What do you call a deer that can’t see?
No eye deer What do you call a deer that can’t see and doesn’t have legs? Still no eye deer
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didn’t do anything at all
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think it’s a fair price toupee.
I don’t know why I love bad puns so much
It’s just how eye roll
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here in the crowd this week and I have to say I am very disappointed.
What does Jesus and a floppy disk have in common?
They both died to become the icon of saving
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
I am a social vegan.
I avoid meet.
I was told to post this here.
This here.
Did you hear about the guy who’s been pick-pocketing midgets?
I can't believe someone would stoop so low!
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
The opposite of isolate is
yousoearly.
I hate two things
math
I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and “nobody wants me on their team” and “I haven’t got any friends”.
Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen