This 14 month-old was helping his dad shovel in Newfoundland after yesterday’s 15-inches of snowfall – when he glitched
Why do lamps make people happy?
They bring delight. My 7-year-old son told me this at the breakfast table this morning. He is going to be a great dad one day.
Idiots is the polite description …
These days you can’t even say “blackboard” anymore.
The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your Jeans.
My brother’s piano teacher posted this..
A great thing ruined by a period
What do the testicles of a priest look like?
Silly question, every child knows that.
C++ is the language of gods
Yesterday my 7 year old son asked me
Yesterday my seven year old son asked me "where does poo come from?". I was a little bit uncomfortable but I gave him an honest explanation. Then he looked at me a little perplexed for a few seconds and then he asked "And Tigger?"
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Java be like
What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?
Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.
“Everybody’s trying to shame us”
Guilty as charged.
Damn, they should meet up and fight that Lordship up.
So someone gave me a used glove and new one….
So I got one second hand and one first hand.
Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
Tears of a clown
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.
I’ve never felt more prepared
Soledad for the win
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door…
A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy “No, they went in to town.” The boy replied “Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked “No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.
Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didn't Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santa's little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf
Why do you sneak around in leather armor?
Because it is made of hide.
Oof ouch owie.
What do you call a deaf man…
Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.
Protect our reefs
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this
My first meme. Hope you like it
Right wing hypocrisy summarized
I am NOT a big Hillary fan. But this rings true.
You’d hope they would be good at this stuff
I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity.
It feels like only yesterday.
Ach, the loch down monster.
Most People Rejected His Message. They Hated Him Because He Told Them The Truth.
Put a lock on that shit.
I vote Facebook is something we live without
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Cause he Neverlands.
F to pay respects
It’s funny because it’s true!
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Thats a lot of damage
My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn’t stop making jokes about oral sex.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
Boomers got the meat
I have automated it, so now stop reposting this meme
iPhone 12 Trailer – 48 Cameras (Parody)
McCain: Held as POW during Vietnam War Trump: Evaded Vietnam War, now hides in bunker
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
I guy I know on fb posts shit like this every day.
Prepare your conservatives people!
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
To pee or not to pee
On our Slack this morning. Too true…
Thought she waz hot af
It works on my machine…
If a mass of beef fat is ‘tallow’, and mass of pig fat is ‘lard’, what is a mass of human fat called?
'American'. Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.
I think my daughter has a crush on our pastor.
She talks about him religiously.
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.
Let's just say…the steaks are high.
haha java bad python good