This.
To be quite honest, I’m not liking this sub at all…
I should have gone to Wendy's instead.
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!
I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
And then she gave me a huge hug.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
What’s the opposite of sad pie night?
No text found
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best prices!)" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best quality!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "Jackson's clothing store (Main entrance)."
(NSFL) What’s the difference between a homeless woman and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods.
Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?
Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.
Wandering around during meetings in homeoffice when you have nothing to contribute like
https://ift.tt/2UdXfi7
My wife just gave birth to a set of identical twins. She named the first one Pete.
I named the second one Repeat.
My roomate and i did this game where we cleaned up another ones room everyday.
We were maid for each other.
The wife asked if she could wear one of my wife beaters today…
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".
“What is your name, son?
A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."
Dad Joke of the Century
Operator: 911, what's your emergency? Dad: My wife's going into labor, and I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Dad: No, this is her husband
Did you hear about the two houses across the neighborhood from each other that fell in love?
It was a lawn distance relationship.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.
But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.
I don’t understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.
I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.
When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes apparent
This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.
A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed. It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. Unfortunately, it takes him a while to gather the medicines he thinks he might need and the checkout line is longer than normal. He buys some cold medicine, some pain killers and some cough drops for the next day. When he is finally done, he heads home. It is now quite dark and a chill has set in so he is not in the best of spirits. When he makes it back to the graveyard, a cloud passes in front of the moon. Luckily he knows the graveyard well and can navigate it without a problem. It's quiet and he hears a noise behind him. thump thump thump He looks around but can't see anything in the dark. He quickens his pace. He hears the sound again, but louder. THUMP THUMP THUMP He is genuinely frightened now and starts to run. The sound grows louder still. THUMP THUMP THUMP As he's running, he glances back and the moon emerges from behind the clouds. To his horror, he sees a coffin, standing on end, bounding towards him. THUMP THUMP THUMP He breaks into a sprint and slams the gate to his yard shut as he passes by. The coffin breaks through the gate, unhindered. THUMP THUMP THUMP He slams the door to his house and frantically locks it. The coffin breaks down the door. THUMP THUMP THUMP He scrambles to the end of the room and knocks a table over to block it's path. The coffin breaks through the table. THUMP THUMP THUMP He cowers against the wall, sure that his fate is sealed. In a last ditch effort, he tosses the cough drops at it. And the coffin stops.
*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*
Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better.. Me: But mom, I lov….. Mom: I was talking to her.
What do you call smart person in America?
A tourist.
The man next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like he's never seen a penis before.
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
Made a little something you can send to people who should just use a search engine
https://ift.tt/3h73Eon