This
I don’t get how Russians didn’t see the demise of the Soviet Union coming
There were red flags all over the place
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
Webster’s dictionary recently changed the spelling of Aquarius to “Ahquarius.”
This is the donning of the "h" of Ahquarius.
It wasn’t fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few years ago.
Now I can look back and laugh.
What do you call an atheist business?
A non-prophet organization.
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance,
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad.
He makes gunpowder for a living.
I know global warming is bad
but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?
This man’s boss said, “You can have a week off if you want to.”
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He saw a sign at the front of a building that said "chicken strips for $2"
What do you call an amphibian that goes to space?
An Astronewt
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says “I’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.” The bartender says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”
I love the way the earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's time consuming.
My wife walked in on me
After my shower while I was blow drying my dick and balls and asked "What the hell are you doing?" Apparently "heating up your dinner" was not the best answer.
I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can write other words too.
Radish means slightly Awesome in 90’s vernacular
No text found
What do you call an army of babies?
Infantry
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck’
You’re still using fowl language.
A lady died and went to heaven, upon seeing God she says “there is one this I always wanted to know. “
“Ok, ask away” God said. “Do vaccines cause autism?” She asked. “the truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism” God admitted. The women shakes her head and says “They got to you too, this thing really goes high up.”
Excuse me, doctor – my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?
ICU baby, shaking that ass
There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
My Uncle Harry died after drinking a bottle of furniture polish
It was a sad end, but a beautiful finish!
Scientist walks into bar with an apple…
He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it." The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!" "Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite. "Tastes like orange juice! This is amazing! Now if only you could make it taste like pussy!" The scientist gives a look as he stands up and leaves the bar. The bartender feels bad assuming he offended the scientist. Several months later the scientist comes running into the bar screaming, " I did it! I did it! I made this apple taste like pussy!" Excited the bartender grabs it out of his hand and takes a bite. Groaning with disgust he spits it out all over the floor. "Yuck this tastes like shit!" The scientist smiles and says," turn it around."
A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question…….
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
How do you keep a slow person in suspense?
No text found
Did you hear the one about the Jew?
Israeli funny
My boss fired me for cracking to many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay?" "I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. "Why don't you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later.” I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now", she insisted. She was so pretty and very, very persuasive. I was weak … "Well, okay," I finally agreed, "However, I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch, I thanked her and said: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while, she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I suppose."
