This.
What do you call it when Batman skips church ?
Christian Bale
What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
When does a car stop being a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didn’t have a good reason,
Just needed something to lift my spirits
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it…
He's gay, definitely gay.
– I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
Oh, so your dad was a billionaire? No, he also wished he were.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?
What do you call a Jewish Knight?
Sir Cumcised
I just watched a program about beavers….
..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
I wrote to my North Korean penpal asking how things were in his country
He wrote back "I can't complain"
Just want to say fuck mosquitos and it’s in sight when I see one
Just want to say fuck mosquitos and it’s in sight when I see one
A slice of apple pie is $2.00 in Jamaica, and $2.50 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
Why shouldn’t you kiss someone on January 1st?
It’s only the first date.
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and a computer cable?
One's a British WASP, and the other is a USB.
My American friend, Alfred, asked, “What is your favourite shampoo truck?”
I said ,"Lorry, Al."
My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.” Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?” She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”
Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand." She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."
They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.
No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.
A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else… But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,… Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
My daughter got scared when she had her first period
I told her it was an ovary action.
What do you call a possessed bird?
A polter-goose
Why do trees look a little suspicious on sunny days?
They seem a bit shady.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work.
Never marry a tennis player…
Love means nothing to them!
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replies "Free". The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender replies "Free". The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."
A physicist sees a man about to jump off of the Empire State Building…
He yells,” Don’t do it, you have too much potential”
What do you call a vampire who makes pancakes?
Count Spatula.
What’s an optimistic vampires favorite drink
B positive
Science created skyscraper and planes.
Religion brought them together.
What is Homer Simpsons favorite ice cream?
Cookie D'OH!
Yesterday I ate a clock
It was very time consuming, especially when i went back for seconds