This aged well…
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
My wife asked me for some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
What does the sign of an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed
Was going to make a joke about childbirth…
But it's hard to deliver
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives.
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
Girls these days really don’t know what romanticism and respect is
Quick tip for all you girls: If I bring you your breakfast in bed you are supposed to say things like "Thank you sweetie" or maybe "Aww, I love you too!" And not things like "Who the hell are you?" and "How the fuck did you get into my house?"
A man walks in to a bar, and says “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.”
The bartender says, "Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem." The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!" The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stuttered since!" The man says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know…" A week later, the same man walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer." The bartender says, "Why didn’t you try what I told you?" "I d-d-did!" said the man, "It j-j-just d-d-didn’t w-w-work… ….b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!"
Burnt my hawaiian pizza last night.
Should have put the oven on aloha setting!
Mr Ed just moved next door to me a few days ago.
We’re neighbors now.
After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
Told my PC gamer friend that I bought a home for my rodent.
He should see my new mouse pad.
I, for one, like roman numerals.
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What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
I really wanted to watch Fast and the Furious,
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
I just bought new shoes from my drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin all day.
Is this sub still active?
There have been barely any posts all year.
I was tortured by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
What do you call a cage filled with Quarters, Dimes, and Pennies?
Nickel-less Cage!
Bamboo is an invasive species in my area that spreads quickly, can take over your yard, and is very hard to get rid of.
That's why they don't call it bamhooray.
Rosy and Sunday school
Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class! One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question: “Who created the universe as we know it to be?” At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sitting behind her, pokes her in the butt with a thumb tack! Rosy wakes up in a frazzle, “GOD ALMIGHTY!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Rosy, still confused after being rudely awoken, is asked another question: “What was the name of Gods son?” Adam, giggling wildly to himself, pokes Rosy in the butt again! Rosy screeches out “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Finally, the teacher asks what she believes to be an impossible question: “What did Eve say to Adam after having their 43rd child?” Adam, triumphantly, drives the thumbtack into Rosy’s backside yet again to then hear Rosy yell out “Oh for fucks sake Adam, if you stick that thing in me one more time I’ll snap it in two!”
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
Why are priests bad at marathons?
Because they always come in a little behind
US government: “The Coronavirus Outbreak Has Officially Reached The United States” Boomers:
https://ift.tt/2OjN7Rs
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, drinking beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." Jim stared at him. "You some kind of faggot, Bob?"
Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I’m not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I’m the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.
Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.