Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday
He buried someone in the wrong hole. It was a grave mistake.
Alcoholic snails.
Must have a hard time sneaking out to the pub without the wife noticing.
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar carrying a large chunk of concrete. He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road."
People write “congrats” because
they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.
What’s a cop’s favorite type of sweater?
A pullover.
Not mine but I can’t find the original creator, if you find them pls contact me
https://ift.tt/2whrgE2
Have you heard about brooms?
It's the cleaning craze that's sweeping the nation!
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could have done for him.
Jokes and sex are almost the same
I don't get it
The local humane society is giving away male geese for free.
I might go take a gander.
nothing tops a plain pizza
No text found
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime. It's cake and y'all know the rules!
What do you call somebody with no body, And No Nose?
No-body-Nose
What is this, some kind of Boomer joke that I’m too Millennial to understand?
https://ift.tt/2H77fSO
“Dad, is the Fibonacci sequence hard to understand?”
“Nope. It’s as easy as 1,1,2,3.”
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Why did Spiderman quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
I went to the doctor and he said i was going deaf.
It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since.
I am reading a horror story in Braille
Someone is gonna die, I can feel it.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
But the ungrateful bitch spat it out.
A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.
"I'm a turtle", he says. "Oh… who's on your back?" "That's Michelle", he replies.
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD…
How bad is it you ask? So bad, THAT…. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally… I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!
What has 8 legs and 8 eyes?
8 pirates
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
My son came up to me today
My son came up to me and said, “can I have a bookmark?” I started crying, 10 years and he still doesn’t know my name is brad.
The problem with kleptomaniacs…
…is that they always take things literally…
I went to a seminar about unlocking my Chakras
It was really eye-opening
How do you find your dog if it’s lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
Soap Dispenser
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood… sure enough he drops the second bar of Soap. The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells! "Mary, Mother of God – Hand Lotion too!
BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault
to Barack Obama’s Fault
I was so late to the cannibal banquet
They just gave me a cold shoulder
There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me
He can now ride a bike without training wheels