This art piece depicts well today’s economic situation. Somewhat ridiculous but mostly sad, really.
I bought a pencil that was claimed to be owned by William Shakespeare, but the lettering’s all faded.
I’m not sure whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
“Can someone give an example of things that are useless?” The teacher asked.
Me: raises hand Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?
Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
I Googled “how to start a wildfire”.
I got 48,500 matches.
College financial aid officers when the first gen student working 3 jobs can’t pay off the 70k tuition in 1 week
College financial aid officers when the first gen student working 3 jobs can’t pay off the 70k tuition in 1 week
Justice is best served cold
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
How to nail a job interview
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass… “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass… "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
I BATH IN THE TEARS OF MY ENEMIES!
Because I let them cry on my shoulder.
I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform…
straightaway I knew he was a keeper
During the quarantine, my 4 year old has been learning Spanish. Yet, he still can’t say please.
Which I think is poor for four.
We were watching a documentary on African wildlife, and my son asked me, “Is it difficult to spot cheetahs?”
Me: No, I think they come that way.
My daughter lost her first tooth today
I bet she won't touch my X- box again !
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
I buy my guns from a guy that goes by “T-Rex”
He’s a small arms dealer
What’s the difference between an asteroid and a meatball?
One is meteor ☄️
My Uncle Harry died after drinking a bottle of furniture polish
It was a sad end, but a beautiful finish!
My 72 year old uncle posted this. Not gonna lie, it gave me a bit of a chuckle
https://ift.tt/2GwyuGc
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
Why is suicide illegal in China ?
Destruction of government property.
Jim walked into a bar……
Jim, walked into a Bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender ”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat, I want everyone to eat!” The bartender complies to this by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and everyone else, their meals Just as everybody finishes their food, Jim again yells ”Give me a bottle of Champagne and give everybody else a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, cause when I drink, I want everybody to drink! Everyone is elated and cheers for Jim When Jim is done with his drink, he yells, yet again "Bring everybody their bill, because when I pay mine, I want everyone else to pay theirs '
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
Why couldn’t the carpenter and the lumberjack get along
They saw things differently
Neighbor’s Sign On Front Door: “No Visitors.”
Name under sign: N. Vitamin
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph. He’s not quite a full essay
Banks need to get better at restocking these ATMs
This is now the fifth one that has insufficient funds.
I passed my forklift test today. I did very well.
My carer says I should be able to try the spoon tomorrow.