This bag of almonds just busted. That shit was nuts
If Hooters started delivering
Would they change their name to knockers?
Clean.
http://bit.ly/2UPYocB
I’m afraid of confusing words that sound the same but spelled differently.
I’m homophonophobic.
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
A teenage girl was getting frisky with her boyfriend…
At her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you *fucking* sorry?"
What do you call supersonic yoghurt?
https://ift.tt/2Kx7Tv9
You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?
They live past the age of three
The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.
The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck
Some nurses notice that when they give a comatose woman a sponge bath, her heart monitor starts beeping more when they wipe between her legs.
Out of ways to bring this woman out of her coma, the nurses decided to ask her husband if he would consider oral sex with his wife to see if that would help bring her out of her coma. He was initially hesitant, but they assured him that the curtains would be closed and no one would see. So, he decided that he would do it. The husband goes into the room, and the nurses gathered outside of the room with their eyes glued to the monitor, hoping something would come of it. Suddenly, the heart monitor flatlines. The nurses are shocked. The husband comes out of the room, and the nurses immediately ask him what happened. He responds, "I think she choked."
6:30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
My friend send me this at 3am what is this question bruh 💀
My friend send me this at 3am what is this question bruh 💀
My Wife wore a “Vaccines cause autism” shirt
She was insulted, punched and spit on Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
How easy is it to get reddit karma?
It's a piece of cake.
Today just shocked my whole life
First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.
I tried to re-marry my ex wife
But she figured out I was only after my money.
When I die I want to die peacefully in sleep like my granddad …
Not screaming hysterically like his passengers
Why do ducks grow feathers?
To hide their butt quacks
There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay?" "I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. "Why don't you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later.” I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now", she insisted. She was so pretty and very, very persuasive. I was weak … "Well, okay," I finally agreed, "However, I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch, I thanked her and said: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while, she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I suppose."
A bad workman blames his fools..
EDIT: *tools stupid keyboard
Dong. Ding Dong.
James Bond's doorbell
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan
Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker…
they're always folding. I'll see myself out. lol
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
My family was cracking up while eating eggs for breakfast this morning
They were great yolks
I think my phone is broken…
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
Two men are discussing a business transaction.
Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" Seller: "You mean a choir?" Buyer: *visibly frustrated* "Fine, how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?"
We all know where the big apple is
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?