This belongs here
Hey man, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
Man: “Doctor, I think I have ADHD: I can’t remember where I parked my Ford!”
Doctor: "That's not how ADHD works…" Man: "But I keep losing my Focus!"
Got the best compliment from my doctor today
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.
For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
Video games don’t have a negative influence on kids.
If Pac-Man had affected us, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
Why do Hipsters keep drowning while iceskating?
Because they did it before it was cool
Amazing how Evangelicals and his supporters believe he should be the one we trust
https://ift.tt/2JvX7oj
A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar…
A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar. Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face. "Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man. "That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man. "But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man. "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" asks the Jewish man. So the Chinese man punches the Jewish man. "Ow! What's that for?" asks the Jewish man. "It's for the Titanic," says the Chinese man. "What? That was an iceberg that brought down the Titanic!" says the Jewish man. "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
2 is a prime number against all odds.
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I got bored watching the earth turn…
So after 24 hours, I called it a day!
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
Dad: Say daddy
Baby: Mommy. Dad: No. Say daddy. Baby: Mommy. Dad: Fuck! Say daddy! Baby: Fuck! Dad: What did you say? Baby: Fuck! Mom: I'm home! Baby: Fuck! Mom: What? Where did you hear that? Baby: Daddy.
Wife is pregnant
Wife- I’m pregnant Husband- Hi pregnant, I’m dad Wife- No, you’re not
Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned…
I thought we had good alchemy…
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
If I had to get rid of one part of my body, I’d get rid of my spine.
Sometimes I feel like it's holding me back.
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
Doctor: your brain fell out during the accident but don’t worry I put it back in
Me: thanks for reminding me
Why do teenagers love meat so much?
Because meat is Protein…I…I should go
My calculator is missing the minus button….
But on the plus side it still works.
4 people having sex is called a foursome
3 people having sex is called a threesome Now I know why they call me handsome.
I ran into a girl at a vegetarian restaurant that said she new me
But I've never met herbivore
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming… that was me"
I have a chicken proof lawn
It's impeccable
My son asked, “Dad, what are condoms for?”
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Doctor : You’ve got a problem in your eyes
Dad : Oh i see Doctor : No you can't
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst Käse scenario Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)