This belongs here…
Why do teenage girls always walk in odd numbers
Cuz they like can’t even
A cheese factory exploded in France.
All that was left was de Brie.
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I ain't never been caught in a traffic jelly. Slaps knee
I don’t know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.
Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
I have the best doctor
Everytime I get my prostate checked he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis…
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.
What’s the best birthday present?
A broken drum Nothing can beat it!
Unique Dildo!
A blonde walks into a porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?" Salesman answers, "$35." Blonde: "How much for the black one?" Salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." Blonde: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" Salesman: "$35." Black Woman: "How much for the white one?" Salesman: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." Black Woman: "Hmmm… I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before…" She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" Salesman: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." Blonde: "Hmmmmm…, how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" Salesman: "Well, that's a very special dildo… it'll cost you $165." Blonde: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before," She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165."
I asked what LGBTQ meant..
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
What did James Brown say to his dog?
1, 2…get down
I made a chemistry joke yesterday in class
It had no reaction.
Why was the Tatooine IRS always going after the sand people?
Because they single file to hide their numbers.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her.
His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replied “perform the fucking autopsy!”
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
https://ift.tt/2StZDgM
People were dying…
…to meet the new mortician…
In my career as a lumberjack I cut down exactly 52,487 trees
I know because I kept a log
How are your grades son?
Son: They’re underwater Dad: How are they underwater Son: They’re below C level
So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19…
Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?
John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding…
John: "Is there a problem officer?" Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?" John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk" Cop: "Holy shit!" The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up. Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?" John: "Sure" John had his license Chief: "May I see the vehicle's owner registration?" John: "Sure" It was in his car Chief: "Could you open your glove box?" John: "Sure" There were no weapons Chief: "Could you pop open your trunk?" John: "Be my guest" There were no bodies in the trunk Chief:"Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner's dead body in the trunk" John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding"
I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
If you run in front of a car
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted.
A math teacher was arrested today
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
Why couldn’t the blind man see his friends?
Because he was married
I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!
I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.