This belongs here, cause you guys get how important encryption is (and how long and hard someone was working on it) unfortunately, We’re the joke to gov’t here.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
I finally quit the university geology department.
…just because I was the first person to discover a new crack I the earth's crust, everybody was acting like it's my fault.
Dad
https://ift.tt/2DsYG33
A priest and a taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Last year, my friend told me he’s quitting his job to pursue a miming career.
I haven’t heard from him since.
Did you know that today is the only day that tells you what to do?
March fourth! (I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)
In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
I’m so excited! Scientists have tested cloning on humans.
Im beside myself
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
An Irishmen walks into NASA and says
"Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon"
Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off Just a joke lol please don't kill me with the downvotes
Why do birds fly in a V-shape?
because it takes too long to walk in a V-shape
What does an elf have for his birthday?
Shortcake (Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)
Man, I love my furniture.
Me and my recliner go way back.
Everybody knows Dave!
Everybody knows Dave Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
What do you call a group of Russian pessimists?
A so-be-it union.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, “Newton, I’ve found you!”
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
Why is suicide illegal in china?
Destruction of state property
LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.
They don’t fuck around.
Why was the castle prostitute tired all the time?
She worked knights.
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn’t spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide, but you can’t run
HELP ME I JUST WANTED TO FIND OUT IF I GOT THE LAST NAME RIGHT 😩
HELP ME I JUST WANTED TO FIND OUT IF I GOT THE LAST NAME RIGHT 😩
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax Spray n’ Wipe, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
I threw my wife a bukakke party the other night…
Everybody came.. You should have seen her face
