This belongs here
He just knew it would be groundbreaking.
One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. “Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma. A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"
It is because she has so many fans.
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
…I told her it wasnt my fault, they look just alike. But she didnt believe me because her hair is a lot longer than his.
a pain in the ass
Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out. This will make sure that a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth. b) nobody will shake hands with you. c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets. d) You will wash your hands thoroughly before you eat.
The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, "But sir, it's fresh ground!"
Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing”…
"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued. "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas – and they're paying their own way."
I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza. So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfecting my “authentic” ramen recipe. Sure enough, there’s an even longer line there, only two packets per person. And there’s literally a whole aisle of shelves that’s just instant ramen, plastic wrap from the boxes is on the floor, and the person picking out their two packs is being very indecisive… there is a decent sized group waiting, so I head to the cleaning products aisle. This is where it gets crazy. One store employee is tearing open bulk bags of toilet paper, giving one roll to each customer. And there is another employee putting Clorox wipes in baggies, 5 for a dollar. The aisle is packed, shopping carts clacking together. So I decide to just go get some Koolaid or fruit punch or whatever. There is no punch line.
People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do.
I just sang about eight bars.
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
…prove that you're second to nun.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back…
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help. A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?” “No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
They haven’t done anything!
A good buoy.
I still fell for it though
It's better to use your fingers
They both give children serial numbers.
No text found
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?" A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend. I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
there would be mass confusion.
Me: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. Friend: Seriously!? Who!? Me: Uh, I can't remember… I think her name was Reese something? Friend: WITHERSPOON!!?? Me: No, it was with a knife…
Fine. Suture self.
I think he's full of shit
Female, she doesn’t let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
Since she can't even beat an egg
He is essentially a giant banner
So my brother’s girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!
So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.
"I had an affair with a woman… almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."