This comic from 2014 seems more accurate than ever.
Which US president was least guilty?
Lincoln. Cause he was in a cent.
What’s brown and not very heavy??
Light brown.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
My wife asked me whether my friends and I experimented with drugs and sex when we were in high school.
I said, “Yes. But I was part of the control group.”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub…
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
Why wouldn’t the hipster swim in the river?
It was too main stream
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
“Barely legal”.
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Pornhub premium users are like jesus
They pay for our sins.
From a young age I wanted to play guitar very badly.
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal. I can play guitar very badly.
My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it…
So I bought her a candle…
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
I have mixed feelings about graphs.
The x and y axes are pretty cool but not the plot itself. That’s where I draw the line.
Guy runs into a bar, yells “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
Bartender says "Three feet tall." Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
An English soldier is captured by the French and is sentenced to execution
Unfortunately for him, screaming “mercy” at the top of his lungs only hastened the process.
Me and my wife stopped talking for weeks after we blamed each other for not defrosting the refrigerator.
Finally, I decided to break the ice.
My ex wife drowned in coffee
Terrible way to go, but I'm just glad it was instant
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
Why don’t ghosts like rain on halloween?
It dampens theirs spirits.
The Sunday funny paper is a gold mine for boomer humor. Also, what is it with the big noses?
https://ift.tt/34gMyyz
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That's where I draw the line.
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can't handle the stakes.
My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.
I just don’t see it.
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.
What should you call an average potato?
A commen-tator!