this company wins.
What starts with a “W” and ends with “hat”…
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I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
Why are so many people tired on April 1st?
they just finished a 31 day March.
My wife says that i dont give her enough privacy
At least that's what she said in her diary.
A detective arrives at the scene of a crime and immediately knows what the murder weapon is
It was a brief case Edit: my first silver! Thank you, kind stranger.
It is humorous because the gop genuinely think trump is beloved to ALL veterans
https://ift.tt/32aFD8i
Guy at the door: Sir, would you like to make a donation to the local orphanage?
Dad: No problem. (To me) Hey, you live with this guy from now on.
A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question…….
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Why do mountains never get cold?
Because they have snow-caps!
I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website…
… I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.
“Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads “Truth + God = Life”
Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life – God
You can tell I’m a dad based on my jokes.
I guess that makes me a groan man.
A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses." I said: “Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
Invisible Man Job Offer
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.
Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell her that she must bang you to go to heaven, you are set to go”. Excited, the man goes out And buys the best God costume in the country.Later that night, dressed as God, the man tiptoes into the cemetery and sees the nun praying.Having recited his lines, he goes to the nun and says, “if you want to go to heaven, we must bang”. To his surprise, the nun agreed and they proceeded to have rough anal sex. After he finished, he threw off his God costume and proclaimed, “aha! It is I! The Man from the bus!” The nun threw off its clothes and proclaimed, “aha! It is I! The bus driver!”
Bro, do you want a pamphlet?
Brochure!
I don’t like thin pancakes..
They just crepe me out.
Eating a clock is very time consuming
No text found
The titanic went down in 60 seconds
Let that sink in for a minute
I’ve been saying “mucho” more often when talking to my Hispanic friends…
It means a lot to them…
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender say, “ we don’t serve food here”
To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.
This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.
What do you call a cage without five cents in it?
A nickeless cage.
Inside the mind of an HR representative: You’ve worked at 4 different companies, so why can’t you stay longer at one job? (He is definitely unfaithful) OR You worked at one company for 8 years, why did you leave? (He left the company he worked at for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
Inside the mind of an HR representative:
You’ve worked at 4 different companies, so why can’t you stay longer at one job? (He is definitely unfaithful)
OR
You worked at one company for 8 years, why did you leave? (He left the company he worked at for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
How does Jesus make tea?
He brews it
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a “breakfast for champions” in front of him, and he is like… what???…
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like… what???… He looks down to his in-bed breakfast and sees waffles, scrambled eggs with bacon, a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, an ice cold beer, a couple of aspirins, and a note that simply says "love you". He stumbles outside the room and sees broken glass, a broken lamp, mud (or vomit) in the carpet, half the clothes he was wearing the day before stinking of alcohol and cigarette laying in the floor… he has no idea what happened, so he calls for his son. "where is your mom?" He asks. "she went to the store to get a new door lock" The kid answers. "ok… do you know what happened yesterday?" "i sure do" says the kid; "you came home at around 5am drunk off your mind, you parked the car in the front lawn, after doing a couple of doughnuts on the front lawn with the car, then, you couldnt fit the key on the front door, and started knocking the door really hard and yelling for us to open, waking the neighbors that where still not awake because of the car parking, but you didnt wait for us, so you ended up kicking open the door after failing to force your way in…" "…afterwards, you stumbled into the table at the entrance breaking the lamp grandma left mom before she passed away…" "…after that, you tried to go up the stairs, and knocked off the wall most of the framed pictures we had hanging, thats when you vomited all over yourself." "So, what happened then?" asked the still hung over man. "Me and mom reached you half way up the stairs and understood you couldnt be talked to, so we dragged you up the stairs, by then you where trying to undress yourself, but couldnt really do it. You only got half your shirt off so mom unbuttoned the rest and then reached for your pants…" "And then what happened????" "Well, mom was trying to take your vomit soaked pants off when you very strongly pushed her aside, and yelled, "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU WHORE! IM A MARRIED MAN!" just before blacking out.
A man had been drinking all night…
A man had been drinking all night at a bar before puking all over his shirt. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So he goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok…then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
How do you handle a redhead’s temper?
Gingerly.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.