This deserves a spot here .
I used to hate facial hair
but then it grew on me
You really shouldn’t watch any horror movie today
It may, Fri 10 you.
A black kid pulls the flour over his head.
A black kid walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says, "Go to your Daddy and say wbat you just said!" The boy finds his father and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!" His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, "Now what do you have to say about yourself?" The boy replies, "I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!"
The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings
But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
Another ‘What am I?’
You can look me in the eyes, You will always see twelve. It'll drive you insane because back to front and upside down I look the same!
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
[SPOILER] Star Wars
https://imgur.com/lglgd2E
In honor of Trump’s birthday, here’s a portrait of America’s last great president.
https://ift.tt/2XZEgJO
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
Did you know diarrhea Is hereditary?
It runs in our jeans
I don’t understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.
I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.
My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.
Me: Yes, twice, accidentally. Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower? Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.
What is Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
The bravest (long joke)
Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members. "Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young private runs over, goes to attention and throws a crisp salute. "Soldier, I want you to go climb that water tower and jump off." The private sees the water tower and without hesitation runs over to the ladder, scales up, jumps off, and dies on impact. "Now that is bravery." The Navy admiral chuckles and says, " you think that is bravery? Here watch this." He looks around and sees a young seaman. "Seaman, over here!" The young seaman rushes over, goes to attention, and throws a sharp salute. "Seaman, I want you to go over to that water tower and swan dive off." Without a second thought the young man runs over, climbs to the top, and performs a graceful swan dive off off the tower landing head first, dying on impact. "Now that is bravery. " The Marine general, not to be outdone by the Navy, just sneers out, "you boys ain't seen a thing yet." He spots a young corporal and shout out, "hey maggot, over here on the double!" The young Marine barrels over, pops to attention, and throws a perfect salute. "Alright you worthless pile of crap time to finally make something of yourself. I want you to climb up that water tower, do exactly three flips mid-air and land head first into the ground. You better die on impact as well or so help me I will reach into whatever afterlife you believe in, rip you out, and throw you off that tower myself!" Without batting an eye the Marine sprints over to the water tower, climbs up, does exactly three flips, and lands head first dying on impact. "Now that is bravery." The Air Force general just shakes his head and says, "I got this in the bag." He sees a young airman and calls him over. The young man gives a quizzical look and motions to himself to make sure, eventually walking over to the general. He makes a lazy attempt at attention and briefly throws a salute. "Airman, I want you to go over to that water tower and jump off." The airman raises his brow, looks up at the tower, and then down at the pile of dead service members. "Pfft, screw you … sir," he replies and walks off. The Air Force general turns to the other officers and remarks, "Now THAT is bravery!"
My son’s math teacher called him average…
I just think he’s mean.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing… They fast!
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again…
I can't tell you how upset I am!
I’ve started saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.
It means a lot to them.
I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo
A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".
So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
My friend, Eric, started using a phrase that I invented for referring to an Indian perennial herb.
I said, "That's my term, Eric."
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts.
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
