This dumb but a good pun
Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane…
During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease that I have ever seen.
[NSFW] What’s the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?
I'm not coming in this morning.
Not all math puns are bad…
Just sum…
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
My wife just put on a dress and asked me to zip it
I'm not sure why… I wasn't even talking!
Last year i was depressed and miserable,
But this year I've turned it around, I'm miserable and depressed
My friend charges £20 for postcards of East Africa on a plank for children to play on.
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
Bilbo was surprised to wake up one morning and find a supermarket had been built in his garden.
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
A man has been at the Pub all night drinking
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand. It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting. 'So… you've been out drinking again!' 'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame. 'The pub called– you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.
The mob may be the mother of tyrants, but Judas also claimed to be a brother to Jesus.
https://ift.tt/3drAqOT
Who is this Rorschach guy
And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.
I got in touch with my inner self today…
…that's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
When do astronauts eat?
At launch time
The urge to sing “the lion sleeps tonight” may come any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
What do you call an erection at a funeral?
Mourning Wood
An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and a bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes." The social worker then went on to explain further"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well…You started it!"
Three friends bragged about who has more sex….
Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women" Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women." Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."
A man in a trench coat runs up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench and exposes himself.
One of the old ladies had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.
Well well well bois…Its time for a new (and better) plan!
Well well well bois…Its time for a new (and better) plan!
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a…
What do you call a male Mummy with a cold?
I'm not sure either. Sir Cough I guess.
I wish I was a lost redditor
No text found
Did you hear about the water bottle that got recycled?
He got plastic surgery.
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks at the family tree and the other examines the family bush.
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves
My girl asked me if I were to have a threesome which of her friends I’d choose.
Apparently I was only supposed to choose one…
10-years old girl asks her mum: “Mummy, how was i born?”
The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, the seed turned into a beautiful and healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom."
You don’t want me to close your wound for you?
Fine, suture self.
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes…
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each, before they are given their lives back. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. Slurring his words out of a misshapen mouth, he says "I want to be gorgeous," And so God snaps His fingers, and -boom!- he’s gorgeous. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line hears everyone else’s wish and starts laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
You Matter!
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy…
Jon Cooper, Chairman of the Democratic Coalition, getting Donnie together on Twitter.
https://ift.tt/2O8FFsJ
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!