This fr a legit question
My brother who has a stutter is in prison.
It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.
A Scottish man walks into a bar..
.. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end
You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck
Why do you need a painting? (Joke my 7-year-old made up)
So you care about the wall
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
my 7YO hit me with this one this morning
7YO: Knock knock! Me: Who's there? 7YO: Europe Me: Europe who? 7YO: (with mock outrage) I'm not a poo! you're a poo!
Please don’t make any more jokes about the Coronavirus…
My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite… It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.
Why don’t keyboards sleep.
They have two shifts.
(Long joke, continues in body) Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.
His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below. Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist… yet no one before Sam had ever reached one. And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note… And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings. And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter… until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal… until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful… it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there. Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam. The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief. The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated. The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."
I took my dog, Flip, to the skate park with my son. I swear that kid is crazy.
He said, "Dad, do you want to see me kick Flip?"
I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn’t real.
It was a pigment of my imagination.
Monsters aren’t usually good at math
Unless you count Dracula.
I found out why nurses carry red crayons
In case they have to draw blood.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I managed to cover my tracks.
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
If a plant is sad.Do other plants photosympathise with it?
No they chlorofeel.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
The opposite of isolate is
yousoearly.
Experts have confirmed that bowling is officially the quietest sport.
You can hear a pin drop, after all.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn how to juggle
I just never had the balls to do it
Study tip: Don’t drink water while studying
Because water decreases concentration.
to be frank,
I'd have to change my name
A kid asks his mom, “how was I born?”
The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born.
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I managed to figure it out.
You can say…. I solved the case.
I’m having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.
Let me know if you can't come.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.