This fucking hurts to see
Wife: I have to tell you something, I am pregnant.
Husband- Hi Pregnant, I am Dad. Wife- No you're not.
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
What happened when two silkworms challenged each other to a race?
It ended in a tie! đ
A Cockroach and a Cricket were talking
Cockroach: Jiminy, you look so tired. What's wrong? Cricket: Well, Damian, my Firefly neighbor has kept me up every night for the past week with her loud music, and I have talked to the landlord multiple times, and he still won't do anything about it. Cockroach: Gosh, Jiminy, that must really bug you.
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation…
A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.
They charged him with attempted murder.
There was a woman who had 100 kids..
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
Gary Larson remains the most influential boomer humor contributor of all time
https://ift.tt/2GaJo4b
Jehovahs witnesses donât celebrate halloween
I guess they donât appreciate random people coming to their door
How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop him a line.
College Tour Dad Joke
Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building. A mom asked âIs this Nursing school harder to get into than others?â Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying âNah, the doorâs not that heavyâ Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driverâs license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, âMaâam, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?â She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. âJesus, lady,â says the cop. âWhat are you so afraid of?â The old lady looks him in the eye and says, âNot a fucking thing.â
A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.
âBeing 70 is the worst!â The 70 year old exclaims. âEvery morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!ââOh, thatâs nothing!â The 80 year old says. âEach morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!ââOh, thatâs nothingâ The 90 year old says. âI have it the worst!ââCan you pee?â The first man asks.âCertainly! Every morning at 7, I pee like a champion.ââCan you poop?â The second man asks.âYes I can! Each morning at 8, I have a regular bowel movement.ââThen I donât understand what the problem is!â The first man says.âWell, I wake up at 9!â
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.
You can say…. Iâm behind The Times.
If Sarah Sanders thinks it is safe to be out in public, perhaps she could lead by example
https://ift.tt/3ayAl9K
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so …….
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up … you're next!"
I told my barista I didn’t think he should be wearing a face mask. ‘I’m not’, he said,…
'it's a coughy filter.'
Why are dogs afraid to go to space?
Because of the vacuum
What do you call a person with one arm and no legs ?
By their name. Donât be a dick.
Coleâs Law
Dad: âHave you hear of Murphyâs Law?â Unsuspecting Victim: âYesâ Dad: âHave you heard of Coleâs Law?â Unsuspecting Victim: âNoâ Dad: âIt is thinly sliced cabbageâ
A son went up to his dad one day and asked him the difference between hypothetical and reality.
âWell, son, I could explain it. But it would be better if I showed you.â âOk, dad. How will you do that?â âGo up to your mom and ask her if she would have sex with her boss for $500,000.â So the son asks his mom, and she responds back with âfuck yeah I would!â The son then runs to his dad and says âDad! Dad! She said âfuck yeah I would!ââ âOk. Now go ask your sister if she would have sex with her principal for $500,000.â So the son asks his sister, and she responds with âFuck yeah I would!â The son then runs to his dad and says âDad! Dad! She said âfuck yeah I would!ââ âOk son. Now the hypothetical situation is that we are now millionaires. But the reality is that we live with a couple of whores.â
My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetterâŠ
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, âI really need a new fucking boat.â
Itâs 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides itâs time to go home.
He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants. âOh, holy crap. Iâm drunker than I thought!â He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again. âShit!â He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. Once again, he lets go and drops straight to the ground. âThis is bullshit. I didnât even have that much to drink!â When he finally crawls to the sidewalk, he grabs hold of a light pole. Again, he pulls himself up, lets go, and immediately collapses. âShit, this is going to be a long crawl home!â Itâs a long, grueling trek, but he finally makes it home. By the time he reaches his front steps, the sky is a light pink and blue and birds are beginning to chirp. As he reaches for the doorknob, it twists and the door swings wide open. He looks up to see his ever-so-livid wife glaring down at him. âHoney, I can explain! I just had too much to drink, and…â âYeah, I know. The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again.â
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, Iâm an American, so Iâd like one last hamburger with French fries.â The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said âNow, I can die.â The BBC Reporter said, "Iâm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and whatâs about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.â The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.â The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, âAnd now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?â âKick me in the butt ,â said the soldier. âWhat?" asked the leader, âWill you mock us in your last hour?â âNo, Iâm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,â insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, âWhy didnât you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?â âWhat?â replied the Israeli, âand have you report that I was the aggressor?
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, âOf course.â To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesnât hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, âYou know, when I was your age, Iâd hit the ball right over that tree.â With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. âOf course,â says the old man, âwhen I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.â
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, âThatâs outrageous!â He just shrugged and said, âThatâs inflation for you.â
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight in the nose.
Nobody does that to a girl, not on my watch.
Joe Biden dies…
And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. "So, you're Joe Biden…" "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!" "Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says Joe Biden. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, Biden disappears… And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds… Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right? "Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite… And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" Biden asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But… Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside…" Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, Biden wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes Biden, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and the person he admired the most, Strom Thurmond. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear… And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, Biden falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep… And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says Biden. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well… I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says Biden. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again. Biden wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???" "Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted…"
My car horn wasnât working, so I took it to a Boy Scout.
He fixed it and said, âBeep repairedâ
what do vegan zombies eat?
GRAAAIIINSSS!!!
Don’t you hate it when you smack a piñata expecting to find sweets inside…
And all you get is a hundred bee stings.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta (First post here)
I was gonna give archery a shot
But thereâs too many drawbacks
As a landlord, I truly value my easy-going, Chinese food-loving occupants.
They're lo mein tenants.
Not to brag, but I beat the local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships when returning to port?
So they can Scan da Navy in
In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.