this gem was posted unironically on r/memes
Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls “who had sex with my wife!!!”
A guy in the back replies You don’t have enough bullets
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
We tried Plan a, b, c, d but none have worked.
But, Plan e just might take off
One night, beneath a full moon, I cut my hand on a rusty shed.
Now I'm a werehouse.
One piece of advice my dad always gave me is to learn early from your mistakes.
Probably why I’m the only child.
I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.
It was a real pain in the ass finding it.
Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus ?
It wasn’t born yesterday
Racist jokes are like Mexicans
They're always crossing the line.
There’s a little known legend about Attila the hun
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me." Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. "Now hold these in both hands," he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, "Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."
Upper, lower class too and for girls too ! You better understand the template
https://ift.tt/2AGSiqQ
Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?
Too many handshakes
A wife yells at her husband
Wife: "How could you do this to me?!" Husband : "what did I do?" Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!" Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?" Wife: "The fucking autopsy."
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”
Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.
As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two. “Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie. The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in this forest except for me were female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the forest except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a scooter, please.” The genie snaps his fingers and poof a little white scooter just the right size for the rabbit appears. The bear says, “Oh, oh, oh! If you can make all the bears in this forest female, then I want all the bears in this country but me to be female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all of the bears in that country except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a helmet.” The genie snaps his fingers and a little white helmet with ear holes appears on the seat of the scooter. The bear is really excited now. He leaps up and down and yells, “If you can make all the bears in this country female, then I wish all the bears in the world were female except me!!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the entire world except for this bear are female. The rabbit puts on his helmet and hops on the scooter. He looks at the genie, then at the bear, then back to the genie. He says, “I wish the bear was gay,” and drives off.
My dentist pulled a wrong tooth
it was accidental
Don’t try to get a career in counterfeiting.
You won't make any real money.
Well Trumpy you’ve got 402,000+ people to visit and “embrace” atm. Better get on it.
https://ift.tt/39ORxHL
I was driving along when this man waved me down.
I stopped the car and he asked me if I could give him a few directions. 'Certainly,' I replied, 'up, down, east and west.' Then I drove off.
How did the butcher introduce his wife?
“Meat Patty.”
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
What do you call an alligator in a vest
An investigator
I skipped the gym today.
The elevator in my building wasn't working.
A young lad walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist I need a pack of 3 condoms.
The pharmacist replies “are you really going to need 3?” The young lad says “yeah, I’ve got a meal at my girlfriend’s place tonight and I think her mum and her sister both fancy me so I’m gonna smash all three of them, they’re really sexy!” The pharmacist gives him the condoms and says “lucky you!” Later that night, the young lad is sat at the dinner table with his girlfriend and her mum and sister when her dad comes in and sits down at the table. The young lad sinks into his chair and starts to pray. The girlfriend says “I didn’t know you were religious.” The young lad replies “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.
what do you call a poor part of a town in Italy
the spaghetto
Yo mama so ugly…
she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!
Ever wonder what to say to your sister when she’s crying?
“Are you having a crisis?”
Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.
What did the rooster do to impress the hen?
He wrote poultry for her.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
Today I told my girlfriend her eyebrows were drawn too high
She seemed surprised.
You know why aliens haven’t visited us yet?
They checked our reviews. One star.
Masturbating
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle
I responded, “That’s not right.” With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle. “Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”