This genuinely hurts
Did you know the first French fry wasn’t cooked in France?
It was cooked in Greece
“Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm”?
"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".
How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
When is 40 bigger than 50?
XL is bigger than L
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
Because it’s Tuesday.
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
“Sorry, my fault.”
Ok – I finally understand my life.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed…… On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again…… On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
Tickets to what concert cost 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
I told my wife that I don’t want to have children.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
I once swallowed a dictionary…
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had…
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates.
I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.
I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
I call my horse Mayo.
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
How do you make 7 even?
By removing the S.
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
What do french people smoke?
Oui'd.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
When I die, I hope to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
My wife wanted a robot vacuum for Christmas, so I got a cheap knock-off made in Mexico..
It’s called Aye Caroomba.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says…
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
First thing men look into a women is her heart
That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.
“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
What type of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers
Peter Dinklage turned 51 today.
It's been fun watching Dinkl age.
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
A farmer gets interviewed
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one? Interviewer: Brown one. Farmer: a couple of litres per day. Interviewer: And the black one? Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat? Farmer: Which one? Black or brown? Interviewer: Black. Farmer: It eats grass. Interviewer: And the other one? Farmer: Grass. Interviewer (now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?! Farmer: Because the black one’s mine. Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one? Farmer: It’s also mine.
Wanna hear the 3 main types of people?
The ones that can count 2. The ones that can’t count
What do you get if you tell the same joke every day for a month?
About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.
Insulting bus driver.
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
In the Israeli government who has the most power?
The Jewdiciary branch
In response to your request for an apology and retraction, our answer is “no.”
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