A man stood in the plane and shouted “Hijack”…
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
How do you feed 1000 people with one loaf of bread?
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl..”
Boss: There’s no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities. Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.
A Roman walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.”
The bartender asks “Don’t you mean a martini?” In response the Roman says “If I wanted a double I’d have asked for it!”
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.
She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
I didn’t vaccinate my five kids
and both of them turned out fine.
Pirate :”I have moles on me back, arrrrrgh!”
The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign." Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"
People say circumcision doesn’t hurt, but i have to disagree.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year. So check your facts.
I proposed to a mime today,
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
A car
Therapist: So what brought you two here? Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally? Therapist: What about you? Husband: A car.
I come from a long line of wood winds, so I was shocked when my daughter said she wanted to be a percussionist
But thinking back, when I checked her instrument case, the cymbals were always there.
Bert: Hey Ernie, would you like some ice cream?
Ernie: Sure Bert!
If you see a toilet in your dreams
Don't use it.
I got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there soon.
I have a perfect memory.
I honestly can’t remember a single time I’ve ever forgotten anything.
What’s the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Usain bolt can finish a race
Stan lee
Its sad he died but at least he lived a marvelous life
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.
Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.
What i If told you:
You read the title wrong.
What’s the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?
One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.
My wife said I should put the mask on if I’m leaving the house – and so I always do.
But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.
My wife thinks I don’t know how to say, “My” in Japanese…
…but really, watashi no?
I used to date my english teacher
but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He slept all through math.
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat
I’ve had a stiff neck all day
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”
“I don’t believe it. My son was invited to a sex party.”
"By?" "No, he's straight from what I know."
She said “choke me daddy!”
So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.