This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture… I told her I’m just looking for matches.
No text found
I’m taking my son and daughter to the store tomorrow to buy stuffing for their pillows.
I’m planning to get down with the kids.
There are three stages of sex after marriage:
Tri-weekly. Try weekly. Try weakly.
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
Does anyone else knock on the fridge before opening the door?
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.
I had to break up with my boyfriend after he lost his feet in an accident…
Because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
My girlfriend called me today and told me that she was HIV+
It's always hard to act surprised
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, “The baby’s coming! Don’t stop the car! Won’t make it! WON’T! CAN’T!”
"Driver, hurry!" I cried. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
A Nike shoe factory burned down 🔥
1000 soles were lost.
My husband: “Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom!”
http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7 My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
A man tells his friend, “I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl.”
His friend asks, "Who?"
My wife only eats one type of yogurt and refuses to try any other brand.
She discriminates against other cultures.
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite Reddit sub?
IT'S FUCKING r/aww
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay
What is the definitions of a will?
You guys should know this one, it’s easy, a dead giveaway.
Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?
Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”. -Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter. Yes, that’s right, Alan. -Thanks, Dad!
Last night I was out for a few drinks.
One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
I left my wife because she was so obsessed with counting..
I wonder what she's up to now 🤔
What do you call a disagreeable horse?
A neigh sayer.
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall
I thought to myself, “now that’s a little condescending”
Joke
My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.
I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.
I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?” He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”
I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.
I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
You must be in F**king management!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did…
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple. "Who is it?" "It's Mark." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia." "Very well son, come in." Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia." "Very well son, come in." At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York." "Very well son, come in." Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas!" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"
Who can drink two litres of gasoline?
Jerry can.
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
Best laugh I’ve had in a long time.
So my dog was barking at something outside and I was chilling in my recliner. I called her over to me, looked her dead in the eyes and told her she has barkinson’s disease. I then burst out in laughter almost falling out of my chair.
Some day, Canada will take over the world.
And then we'll all be sorry.
The shovel was one of the greatest invention
This invention was ground breaking