This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her that I am looking for matches.
[Warning]: 18+
19.
I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
I’ve spent the last four years looking for my wife’s killer
but no one will do it
Store cashier: “Sir, do you wanna box for these items?”
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D in Valentine’s day
Happy Alentine's Ay
What do we call a group of 12 atoms?
Dozen matter.
Here’s a joke about my browser history:
[deleted]
What do baristas in space get paid with?
Starbucks
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced “Ladies and Gentlemen don’t forget to adjust your watches to local time”
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
Why do Americans have good computers?
Because they have no troubleshooting.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight" the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him… He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
An airplane is about to crash!
With only 5 parachutes on board. A Doctor says, “save the women”. A young mother says, “no save the children”. A lawyer says, “Fuck the children”. A priest asks, “do we have time”?
Condom expiration dates are a little misleading
because I get sick no matter when I eat them.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana
The U.S. Army is full of crybabies
That’s why we also call them the Infantry.
What’s the best time of day?
6:30. Hands down.
Why are so many people tired on April 1st?
they just finished a 31 day March.
When is a car no longer a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Life is like a penis,
it’s the women that make it hard
I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises…
Other than jumping to conclusions.
A priest and a taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
I hate two things
math
What sort of lights to Noah use on the Ark?
Flood lights
Some cities have bathrooms that you pay to use.
You could say they are charging a Pee-mium.
My friend said she can put her legs behind her head
I told her it sounded like a bit of a stretch
Donald Trump – “I’m not orange!”
“Impeach.”
![Ant monologue [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/aalofaxxb6b41-400x300.jpg)
Everyone keeps telling me that I am the worst mailman they have ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
Condoms do not Guarantee safe sex
Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said…
Once upon a time there was this lobster…
What do you call a failed abortion?
Survival of the fetus
What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?
A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.
