This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her that I am looking for matches.
She was definitely checking me out.
but no one will do it
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
Happy Alentine's Ay
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced “Ladies and Gentlemen don’t forget to adjust your watches to local time”
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
Because they have no troubleshooting.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight" the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him… He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
With only 5 parachutes on board. A Doctor says, “save the women”. A young mother says, “no save the children”. A lawyer says, “Fuck the children”. A priest asks, “do we have time”?
because I get sick no matter when I eat them.
But fruit flies like a banana
That’s why we also call them the Infantry.
6:30. Hands down.
they just finished a 31 day March.
When it turns into a driveway.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
it’s the women that make it hard
Other than jumping to conclusions.
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
You could say they are charging a Pee-mium.
I told her it sounded like a bit of a stretch
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead
It cracks up!
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
Once upon a time there was this lobster…
Survival of the fetus
A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.