This goes here
Distinctly possible it is
You ever wonder if the reason Star Wars movies came out the order they came out was because Yoda was in charge of the release dates?
I canβt believe Kim Jon Un wants to nuke South Korea
Does he have no Seoul
How were people born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
“I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.” Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
What is it called when an amputee does karate?
Partial arts
Me, trying to sound smart: So, who is your favorite philosopher?
Her: Itβs Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.
Why canβt you stay up until the cows come home?
Because itβs pasture bedtime.
Australians dont reproduce
They mate
Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?
Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.
I got the words, βjacuzziβ and βyakuzaβ confused…
Now Iβm in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them because…
Every calculator counts.
A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke
Dog: Tell me a joke Man: Donβt be silly, youβre a dog Dog: Oh, go on Man: Youβre a dog, you wonβt understand Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese Man: OK. Knock Knock Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woofβ¦β¦β¦.
The Earth used to be flat…
Until they buried yo momma.
In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He’s very nervous and doesn’t say much.
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter! After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone. The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!" "I know…" Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".
I like my women like i like my computer
Turned on On my lap Virus free
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesnβt speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, βMother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.β My God,β says his mother. βYou can speak?β To which the German boy replies, βOf course.β "How come you've never spoken before?β asks his father. βWell,β says the boy, βup until now, everything has been satisfactory.β
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
I think my neighbor might be stalking me.
She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night
How did Jesus stay so ripped?
Pontius Pilates and CrossFit
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are, while the fourth is using the bathroom. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari. Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner company and just gave his best friend a jet. Guy 3: Well my son is more successful than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a mansion Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys. Guy 4: Hey guys, what are we talking about? Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are. Guy 4:Well, my son is a gay stripper. Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life. Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a mansion from his three boyfriends.
A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
“Hey girl, lets go to my place, we can watch a movie or something.”
"I don't know… do you have any toilet paper there?"
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."