This got to hot on r/memes and, God I just want the Skyrim meme to die
I have a hard time falling asleep.
It's much easier to fall when I'm awake.
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says…
/r/Jokes/comments/bj9t8d/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
My iPhone made an album of when I took my kitten to the hospital and she died last year.
https://ift.tt/2xxrAzi
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he’s aware wolf
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower.
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette
I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire. The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket! After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.
How much does it cost to park Santa’s sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
A waiter once asked me: “Do you wanna box for your leftovers?”
I said: “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them!”
The old lady fell in a deep hole in the ground.
She couldn’t see that well.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
everyone knows fries aren’t fried in France
they're fried in Greece.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
Kobe Bryant’s death was an important and historic occasion.
It marked the first time he's passed in years.
I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.
And then Samsung.
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
What was Icarus’s favorite food?
Hot wings!
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climb down a wall.
I thought to myself, now thats a little condescending.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they're always stuffed.
Heard about the man who painted his scrotum?
Pretty nuts
Why Americans don’t use metric?
Foot fetish
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, “We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line.”
A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!" A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape. The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says, "B&Q nails: they hold anything!" The CEO is furious and yells, "JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!" Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape. This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns and says, "We should have used B&Q nails!"
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
r/im14andthisisdeep:
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
Since Trump became president, the secret service hasn’t been allowed to yell “Get down!” when he is under attack…
Instead they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
If you drive a Tesla, but it gets stolen…
…does that make it an Edison?
