This guy hiding Waldo, and the kids that will never find him.
Gordan Ramsey was walking down the road and saw a dog.
He bent down to pet it, and screamed "it's fucking r/aww!"
I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today…
He asked me to help him check his balance…. So I pushed the fucker over.
Lesbian bed
Just bought a new ‘Lesbian Bed’ from Ikea. Instructions say no nuts or screwing involved. It’s all tongue and groove.
I’m allergic to bread but eat it anyways
I guess I'm a gluten for punishment
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.” “Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed. “ Good”, she replied. …………… “Get your own f***ing blanket.” After a moment of silence, …………………… he farted.
I’m really excited about the new movie about tractors that is coming out soon.
I just saw the trailer.
What is a kkk members favorite drink?
White Powerade
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I said, I don't hate your relatives, in fact, I like your mother in law a lot more than I like mine
If A is for apple, and B is for banana, then what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
How do you check if a sniper loves you?
He misses you.
Cable repairman was on my street and asked what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 1pm
I’m not sure what confused the mailman more…
the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
“What is your name, son?
A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."
Bob was in trouble
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins.
She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl. So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor. At one point I was banging her so hard you'd have sworn she was still alive
My furniture and I are really close
My recliner and I go way back.
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says “Why the long face?”
The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves
[OC] A man was riding on a bus.
The police pulled the bus over and ordered him to get down.
What do you call a communist during winter?
A snowviet
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
Two satellites decided to get married
The wedding wasn't that good but the reception-amazing
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China
He says he can't complain.
TIL why nurses always carry red crayons…
It's in case they have to draw blood…
Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
“Sorry, we’re clothed.”
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
The slow swimmer
What do you call an epileptic emperor?
Julius seizure
Sign language really comes in handy
No text found
What do you call a crossword puzzle that only has bad words in it?
A cross word puzzle.