This guy id a gold mine
The only thing that flat earthers have to fear…
is sphere itself
What sort of lights to Noah use on the Ark?
Flood lights
Studies say obesity is the main cause of erectile dysfunction
Time to get joggin’ ladies
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump
I said: “Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912. I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Officer: Where did the hacker escape to?
Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
I created a graph explaining all my past relationships
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
Singing in the shower is great until you get shampoo in your mouth
Then it's a soap opera
My dad told me this one.
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
A programmer gets sent to the store by his wife. His wife says, “Get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer returns home with 12 gallons of milk and says, “They had eggs.”
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods
But its harder to deter gents
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling. Some were considered prime suspects in 9’s death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well. 6 snuck into 7’s house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly inappropriate position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9’s body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal… 7 8 9. 6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows… And promptly solve his problem.
My wife just found out she’s adopted.
She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.
They fired me from the calendar factory
I don't know why. I just took a few days off.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
I told a poltergeist that I’d give him $10,000 to leave my home forever
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
I asked my son if he saw the newspaper…
Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says. Damn fly never stood a chance
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
Doctor: your brain fell out during the accident but don’t worry I put it back in
Me: thanks for reminding me
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
Why was the broom late for the meeting?
It overswept.
My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.
She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.
Our leaders vs local newscasters showing the importance of social distancing.
https://ift.tt/3djWjzY